Remembering Zen, Kathleen Tynan and Inner Poise, I did a version of Salute to the Sun I remembered from distant Yogacise class and centred myself, concentrating on the inner wheel, till the flow came. Then I resolved serenely to tell no one, as gossip is a virulent spreading poison.

b) Engaged.

Oh, hello, Mark. I know of you, of course, gushed Perpetua as if she were Prunella Scales in Fawlty Towers and he were the Duke of Edinburgh.

Ive got to meet someone, I whispered desperately.

I have to say, I think its disgraceful. All it means in this day and age is that a whole generation of people only get to know the great works of literature — Austen, Eliot, Dickens, Shakespeare, and so on — through the television.』

As I glanced involuntarily at Perpetuas bottom thinking, Thats a bit rich coming from her, I caught Mark Darcy doing the same thing.

At 8:45 last night I was running a relaxing aromatherapy bath and sipping camomile tea when a car burglar alarm started up. I have been waging a campaign on our street against car burglar alarms which are intolerable and counterproductive since you are more likely to get your car broken into by an angry neighbor trying to silence the burglar alarm than by a burglar This time, however, instead of raging and calling the police, I merely breathed in through flared nostrils and murmured, inner poise. The doorbell rang. I picked up the intercom. A v. posh sheep-voice bleated, Hes having a fucking affair. Then there was hysterical sobbing. I rushed downstairs, where Magda was outside the flat in floods of tears fiddling under the steering wheel of Jeremys Saab convertible, which was emitting a dowee-dowee-doowee of indescribable loudness, all lights flashing, while the baby screamed as if being murdered by a domestic cat in the car seat.

nice supper together on Saturday night and maybe go for a walk on Sunday, but he said be was all right. The Alconburys are holding an Olde English supper on Saturday night for the Lifeboat.

What I mean is, if youre taking that sort of cutesy, morally relativistic, Blind Date is brilliant』

. . . is my boss and is buying a flat in Fulham, and Mark is, I said, turning desperately to Perpetua, a top human-rights lawyer.』

Not so with the Instants, which are very much a participation thing, with six cash figures to be scratched off — often quite a hard and skilled job — and never giving you the feeling that you didnt have a chance. Three amounts the same secures a win, and in my experience you always get very close, often with as many as two matching pairs for amounts as great as ￡50,000.

You just seemed, well, flat tonight. Everyone said you werent your usual self.』

Saturday 22 April 8st 7, cigarettes, 0, alcohol units 0, calories 1800.

Yes, its very good.』

Inner poise, I told myself, inner poise.

1 cant stand Gladiators, though. It makes me feel fat, I said. Anyway, nice to meet you. Bye!』

Tuesday 25 April 8st 7, alcohol units 0 (excellent), cigarettes 0 (v.v.g.), calories 995 (continuing good work).

Must stop doing the Instants, but the trouble is I do quite often win. The Instants are much better than the Lottery itself, because the numbers no longer come up during Blind Date (it is not on at the moment) and all too often do not have a single one of yours among them, leaving you feeling both impotent and cheated with nothing to be done except crumple your ticket up and throw it defiantly on the floor.

Right.

Come on, Bridge, he said, leaning towards me seductively. I need to have a serious discussion about your blouse. Its extremely thin. Almost, when you examine it, thin to the point of transparency. Has it ever occurred to you that your blouse might be suffering from . . . bulimia?』

Who in the — 『

Im married, he said. But Bridged, I think I love you.』

And introducing spanking new presenter Pam Jones said Anne. "Suddenly Single" herself and making her TV debut.』

Those big literary adaptations dont tend to go out on Saturday nights.』

Though in many respects, of course, said Marks Natasha, suddenly earnest, as if concerned the conversation was going quite the wrong way, the democratization of our culture is a good thing — 『

Suspecting that I might not be able to fully pull off crying, Simon Barnett! Julian Barnes! with quite the required gaiety and tone, I hovered indecisively then started to sidle away, at which point Simon said in an irritated superior voice (one you, funnily enough, never hear him use when he is trying to get off with you by the photocopier), Did you want something, Bridget?』

10.15 a.m. Beyond lateness now. Suddenly remember had handbag in bedroom when looking for hairbrush but cannot find. Eventually locate under clothes from wardrobe. Return

No, Ive given up.』

No. No. Im sorry, youre deliberately being obtuse, she said, turning bright red. Im not talking about a ventilating deconstructionalistic freshness of vision. Im talking about the ultimate vandalization of the cultural framework.』

I think you looked better before, hon.』

What should I do now, though? Oh dear, oh dear. Tell Magda? Not tell Magda? Ring Magda and ask if everythings OK? Ring Jeremy and ask him if everythings OK? Ring Jeremy and threaten to tell Magda unless he drops the witch in my suit? Mind my own business?

9.55 a.m. V. late now. In despair, have fag and read holiday brochure for calming five minutes.

When hed finally gone I slumped on the floor, shaking, with my back to the front dooｈｔｔｐｓ://ｒeａｄ.99ｃsw•ｃｏｍr, chain-smoking butt ends. Inner poise, I said, halfheartedly. Then the doorbell rang. I ignored it. It rang again. Then it rang without stopping. I picked it up.

Nick, said Anne pleasantly.

Friday 28 April Alcohol units 14, cigarettes 64, calories 8400 (v.g., though bad to have counted. Slimming obsession v. bad), Instants 0.

Oh blimey, no wonder you look so . . . 『

Oh, nothing, nothing. Just a bit . . . drawn.』

Im fine, I said, crestfallen. Ive lost seven pounds. Whats the matter?』

Magda is very posh. Our street is not very posh. It is of the kind which still has posters in the windows saying Free Nelson Mandela.』

Tuesday 11 April 8st alcohol units 0, cigarettes 0, Instants 9 (this must stop).

And you do realize Middlemarch was originally a book, Bridget, dont you, not a soap?』

Yes, I said primly. Have you been at the party? I didnt see you.』

Turn it off! somebody yelled from an upstairs window.

Actually, Im all for denial. You can convince yourself of any scenario you choose and it keeps you as happy as a sandboy — as long as your ex-partner doesnt pop up on your television screen forging a new career out of not being married to you any more. I tried to pretend it didnt mean there was no hope, and that Mum might be planning their reunion as a really grabby end to the series, but it didnt wash. Poor Dad. I dont think he knows anything about Julio or the man from the tax office. I asked him if hed like me to come up tomorrow and we could go out and have a

Wait a minute, said Jude. You dont mean Mark Darcy, do you? The lawyer?』

Oy, Bridgid, he shouted. Theres water pouring through my ceiling.』

Have you had suicidal thoughts? boomed my mother.

Wednesday 5 April 8st 13, alcohol units 5 (Judes fault), cigarettes 2 (sort of thing that could happen to anyone — does not mean have started smoking again), calories 1765, Instants 2.

Three hours and thirty-five minutes between waking and leaving house is too long. In future must get straight up when wake and reform entire laundry system. Open up paper to read that convicted murderer in America is convinced the authorities have planted a microchip in his buttocks to monitor his movements, so to speak. Horrified by thought of similar microchip being in own buttocks, particularly in the mornings.

clothes to wardrobe. Put on jacket. Prepare to leave house. Cannot find keys. Scour house in rage. 10.25 a.m. Find keys in handbag. Realize have forgotten hairbrush.

No. Lemme explain.』

Mark Darcy looked as if he was going to burst out laughing.

Shit! The bath!』

Today is a historic and joyous day. After eighteen years of trying to get down to 8st 7 I have finally achieved it. It is no trick of the scales, but confirmed by jeans. I am thin.

While Anne was speaking my mother unfroze within the diamond, which started whooshing towards the front of the screen, obscuring Anne and Nick, and revealing, as it did so, that my mother was thrusting a microphone under the nose of a mousy-looking woman.

11 p.m. Just called Jude and told her about Daniel incident, also about Malcolm and Elaine Darcys son, whom Mum and Una had tried to get me off with at the Turkey Curry Buffet, turning up at the party looking rather attractive.

Bridget. Turn your television set to BBC 1.』

God, are you all right? asked Jude when I walked in. You look really tired.』

2) To aim to meet people to network with.

I was just standing waiting for my coat, reflecting on how much difference the presence or absence of a diamond-patterned sweater can make to someones attractiveness, when I felt hands lightly on my waist I turned around. Daniel!』

Yes, said the mousy woman and burst into tears at which point the picture froze, turned on its end and whizzed off into one comer to reveal Anne and Nick on the sofa again looking sepulchral.

I hate Perpetua when she gets like this. Stupid old fartarse bag.

I read in an article that Kathleen Tynan, late. Wife of the late Kenneth, had inner poise and, when writing, was to be found immaculately dressed, sitting at a small table in the centre of the room sipping at a glass of chilled white, wine. Kathleen Tynan would not, when late with a press release for Perpetua, lie fully dressed and terrified under the duvet, chain-smoking, glugging cold sake out of a beaker and putting on make-up as a hysterical displacement activity. Kathleen Tynan would not allow Daniel Cleaver to sleep with her whenever he felt like it but not be her boyfriends Nor would she become insensible with drink and be sick. Wish to be like Kathleen Tynan (though not, obviously, dead).

There is no reliable explanation. I have been to the gym twice in the last week, but that, though rare, is not freakish. I have eaten normally. It is a miracle. Rang Tom, who said maybe I have a tapeworm. The way to get rid of it, he said, is to hold a bowl of warm milk and a pencil in front of my mouth. (Tapeworms love warm milk, apparently. They love it.) Open my mouth. Then, when the worms head appears, wrap it carefully round the pencil.

Inner poise. No fags for six days now. Have assumed air of dignified hauteur with Daniel and not messaged, flirted or slept with him for three weeks. Only three alcohol units consumed over the last week as grudging concession to Tom, who complained that spending the evening with the new vice-free me was like going out for dinner with a whelk, scallop or other flaccid sea-creature.

Oh God, yah, said Arabella, bead九九藏書ily. Hes left his wife, hasnt he?』

Cambridge. Cant stand the stupid nerd. Bloody old woman. How do you know him?』

Apparently, Tina Brown of The New Yorker is brilliant at dealing with parties, gliding prettily from group to group, saying, Martin Aims! Nelson Mandela! Richard Gere! in a tone which at once suggests, My God, I have never been more enchanted to see anyone in my entire life! Have you met the most dazzling person at the party apart from you? Talk! Talk! Must network! Byeee!』

Theyre friends of my parents. I used to play with him in the paddling pool.』

Hello, Bridget, he said. I nearly opened my mouth and let all the sate sticks fall right out. It was Mark Darcy. But without the Arnold Palmer-style diamond-patterned sweater.

Right. Tomorrow is Kafkas Motorbike. Am going to work out clear set of objectives. In a minute.

7.03 a.m. Return to bed in sulk over weight. Head-state bad. Sleeping or getting up equally out of question. Think about Daniel.

Millions of cheesecakes and tiramisus, tens of millions of Emmenthal slices left uneaten. Eighteen years of struggle, sacrifice and endeavor — for what? Eighteen years and the result is tired and flat. I feel like a scientist who discovers that his lifes work has been a total mistake.

No thank you, I have found inner poise and given up smoking, I said, in a preprogrammed, Stepford Wife sort of way, wishing Daniel wasnt quite so attractive when you found yourself alone with him.

What I resent, though — Natasha was looking all sort of twitchy and distorted as if she were in an Oxbridge debating society — is this, this sort of, arrogant individualism which imagines each new generation can somehow create the world afresh.』

1) Not to get too pissed.

I must say, said Natasha, with a knowing smile, I always feel with the Classics people should be made to prove theyve read the book before theyre allowed to watch the television version.』

Wish to be like Tina Brown, though not, obviously, quite so hardworking.

8.35 a.m. Begin selection of underwear. Laundry crisis means only available pants are vast white cotton. Too unattractive to contemplate, even for work (psychological damage). Go back to ironing basket. Find unsuitably small black lacy pair — prickly but better than giant Mummy-pant horror. 8.45 a.m. Start on black opaque tights. Pair one seems to have Shrunk — crotch is three inches above knees. Get second pair on and find hole on back of leg. Throw away. Suddenly remember had Lycra mini-skirt on when returned home with Daniel last time. Go to living room. Triumphantly locate skirt between cushions on sofa.

I could see her mentally fitting Mark Darcy and Natasha in with an array of Poohs and Piggies round the dinner table.

Twenty-two hours, four pizzas, one Indian takeaway, three packets of cigarettes and three bottles of champagne later, Daniel is still here. I am in love. I am also now between one and all of the following: a) Back on thirty a day.

Thursday 6 April Went to meet Jude for quiet drink to talk about Flow some more and noticed a familiar besuited figure with knitting-pattern dark good looks sitting in a quiet corner having dinner: it was Magdas Jeremy. Waved at him and just for split second saw expression of horror cross his face, which instantly made me look to his companion who was a) not Magda. b) not yet thirty, c) wearing a suit which I have tried on twice in Whistles and had to take off as too expensive. Bloody witch.

I wasnt, I just really like Blind Date, I said. Though I do think it would be better if they made the pickees make up their own replies to the questions instead of reading out those stupid pat answers full of puns and sexual innuendos.』

. . . and well be introducing, our new Springtime Slot, said Nick, "Suddenly Single" — a dilemma being faced by a growing number of women. Anne.』

d) Pregnant.

Oh look, theres Mark, interrupted Piggy.

I had the feeling he was taking the piss out of me. Bloody cheek.

4) To make Daniel think I have inner poise and want to get off with me again. No. No.

What is it? I said.

Yes? said Mark.

What? What?』

No.』

Mark. Perpetua is . . . I began and then paused, frozen. What to say? Perpetua is very fat and spends her whole time bossing me around? Mark is very rich and has a cruel-raced ex-wife.

Silence. Oh God. Why do I still fancy Daniel so much?

Ah, actually I think theyre over there. Jolly good. Thanks, I said, and made for the exit. Once out of the swinging doors I slumped against the wall, trying to get my breath back, thinking, inner poise, inner poise. It was not going particularly well so far, there were no two ways about it.

10.35 a.m. Leave house.

What?』

9.40 a.m. Return to ironing and discover stubborn stain on front of shirt. All other possible shirts dirty. Panic about time. Try to wash out stain. Entire shirt now soaking wet. Iron dry.

Oh, I quite agree, said Perpetua, emitting further gales of laughter. What a marvelous idea!』

Maybe youve lost it a bit quickly off your . . . face, she trailed off, looking at my admittedly somewhat deflated cleavage.

sort of line . . . she said with a resentful look in my direction.

Jones?

7.30 a.m. Hunger pains force self out of bed. Make coffee, consider grapefruit. Defrost chocolate croissant.

Tuesday 18 April 9st 7 (oh dear), cigarettes 30, calories (cannot bear to think about it), Instants 1 (excellent).

Well, yes. I mean, weve done some work with him. Hes incredibly nice andhｔｔps://ｒｅad•９９ｃsｗ.cｏｍ attractive. I thought you said the chap at the Turkey Curry Buffet was a real geek.』

Jones! What are you doing skulking off so early? He leaned over and kissed me. Mmmmmm, you smell nice, then offered me a cigarette.

Instead I will ring Magda a lot and be there for her so if anything is amiss (which she is bound, with womans intuition, to sense), she will tell me. Then if, through Flow, it seems the right thing to do, I will tell her what I saw. Nothing of value comes through struggle; it is all about Flow. Zen and the art of life. Zen. Flow. Hmmm, but then how did I happen to bump into Jeremy and the worthless trollop if not through Flow? What does that mean, then?

Thanks, I said, practically eating the proffered fag.

Come on, Bridge.』

Hello, I said through my mouthful, trying not to panic. Then, remembering the article, turned towards Perpetua.

Ooh. Telephone.

Found myself a drink then spotted Perpetua talking to James from the Telegraph. Approached Perpetua confidently, ready to swing into action but instead of saying James, Bridget comes from Northamptonshire and is a keen gymnast (am going to start going to gym again soon), Perpetua just carried on talking — well beyond the two-minute mark and ignored me.

I looked wistfully at the stairs. The thought of going home, putting my nightie on and turning on the telly began to seem irresistibly attractive. Remembering the Party Objectives, though, I breathed in deeply through my nose, murmured, inner poise and pushed through the doors back into the party. Perpetua was still by the door, talking to her ghastly friends Piggy and Arabella.

Darling, said a different drunken voice I recognized.

8.55 a.m. Return to tights. Pair three have hole only in toe. Put on. Hole transforms into ladder which will protrude tellingly from shoe. Go to ironing basket. Locate last pair of black opaque tights twisted into rope-like object speckled with bits of tissue. Untangle and purge of tissue.

Tuesday 4 April Determined, now, to tackle constant lateness for work and failure to address in-tray bulging with threats from bailiffs, etc. Resolve to begin self-improvement programme with time-and-motion study.

11:45 p.m. Have just been sick, and as I slumped over the loo trying to do it quietly so Daniel wouldnt hear, he suddenly yelled out from the bedroom, There goes your inner poise, my plumptious. Best place for it, I say.』

Sunday 2 April 9st, alcohol units 0 (marvellous), cigarettes 0, calories 2250.

Bridge . . . I wanna come in.』

Hes Malcolm and Elaine Darcys son, I began, almost going on to say, You know Malcolm and Elaine, darling. They came over when we lived in Buckingham — 『

Oh well, I mean if youre going to look at it at that level said Natasha defensively.

Do you know where the toilets are? I blurted out. Damn. Damn. Why? Why did I say that? I saw a faint smile hover over the thin-but-attractive lips of Julian Barnes.

Except in the case of Mr. Blobby, who should have been punctured at birth, shrieked Perpetua.

Im sorry? said Perpetua.

Mark, hi! said Arabella, opening her eyes very wide and blinking in a way she presumably thought was very attractive. Havent seen you for yonks. How was the Big Apple?』

What?』

Listen, I told him, this tapeworm is staying. I love my new tapeworm. Not only am I thin, but I no longer want to smoke or glug wine.』

I could tell Jeremy was going to try to get away with the sort of quick Hello not now look which acknowledges your close, old and enduring friendship but at the same time demonstrates that this is not the moment to affirm it with kisses and an in-depth chat. I was about to play along with it but then I thought, hang on a minute! Sisters! Under the skin! Magda! If Magdas husband has nothing to be ashamed of in dining with this worthless trollop in my suit, he will introduce me.

Magda and I were both in the car now, pulling every lever we could find, Magda swigging intermittently at a bottle of Laurent-Perrier. By this time an angry mob was gathering. Next thing, Jeremy roared up on his Harley-Davidson. But instead of turning off the alarm, he started trying to grab the baby out of the backseat with Magda screaming at him. Then the Australian guy, Dan, who lives below me, opened his window.

Then Dan appeared m the hall. Chrisd, he said. Youd biddah have one of these.』

Humph. Went to Judes party tonight in tight little black dress to show off figure feeling v. full of myself.

Oh, Blind Date is good, is it? sneered Perpetua.

So we ate the pizza and had a bottle of wine and a few more cigarettes and some more Scotch and then he restarted trying to kiss me and I slurred, No, no, we mushnt, at which point he went all funny and started muttering, Oh, Chrisd. Oh, Chrisd.』

Ah. Then Bridget is clearly a top post-modernist, said Mark Darcy. This is Natasha, he said, gesturing towards a tall, thin, glamorous girl beside him. Natasha is a top family-law barrister.』

Humph. Bloody Jude.

Monday 17 April 8st 12, alcohol units 0 (v.g.), cigarettes 0 (v.g.), Instants 5 (but won ￡2 so total Instants expenditure only ￡3).

Blind Date is on Saturdays, I said.

Saturdays. Blind Date is on Saturdays at seven-fifteen, after Gladiators.』

Lately, therefore, whenever things have risked ranging out of control, I have repeated the phrase inner poise and imagined myself wearing white linen and sitting at a table with flowers on it.

All seems normal with Magda and Jeremy so maybe it was just a business meetireaｄ•９9csｗ•cｏｍng. Maybe the Zen and Flow notion is correct, for there is no doubt that by relaxing and going with the vibes I have done the right thing. Am invited to a glittering literati launch of Kafkas Motorbike next week at the Ivy. Determined, instead of fearing the scary party, panicking all the way through and going home pissed and depressed, am going to improve social skills, confidence and Make Parties Work for Me — as guided by article have just read in magazine.

Several cigarettes and a lot of fiddling with a credit card later we were in, to find water flooding everywhere. We couldnt turn the taps off. Dan rushed downstairs, returning with a wrench and a bottle of Scotch. He managed to turn off the taps, and started helping me to mop up. Then the burglar alarm stopped and we rushed to the window just in time to see the Saab roar off, with the Harley-Davidson in hot pursuit.

What level? said Mark Darcy. Its not a level, its a perfectly good point.』

Will just watch adverts then ring up Jude.

Yeees? Simon and Julian Barnes looked at me expectantly.

Most importantly, one must never go to a party without a clear objective: `whether it be to network, thereby adding to your spread of contacts to improve your career, to make friends with someone specific; or simply clinch a top deal. Understand where have been going wrong by going to parties armed only with objective of not getting too pissed.

10.07 a.m. Access letter only, about non-payment of minimum payment, Try to remember what was looking for. Restart quest for handbag.

Once there, I got into bed, put my head on the pillow but nothing happened. I kept putting my head in one place, then another place, but still it wouldnt go to sleep. Normally I would be snoring by now and having some sort of traumatized paranoid dream. I put the light on. It was only 11:30.

Well, quite. Its absurd. Criminal.』

Dad was devastated. Mum hadnt even told him about the TV-presenting job. It seems he is in denial and has convinced himself Mum is just having an end-of-life crisis and that she already realizes she has made a mistake but is too embarrassed to ask to come back.

Anyway, you cant deny yourself all pleasures in life. Im only on about four or five a day and, besides, Im going to stop soon.

What I meant was, there isnt anything any good like Blind Date on the other side during the literary masterpieces, so I dont think that many people would be channel hopping.』

Tom?』

I know you didnt. I saw you, though. Talking to Mark Darcy.』

4) To meet and sleep with sex god.

Told Jude today about the inner poise thing and she said, interestingly, that shed been reading a self-help book about Zen. She said, when you looked at life, Zen could be applied to anything — Zen and the art of shopping, Zen and the art of flatbuying, etc. She said that it was all a question of Flow rather than struggle. And if, for example, you had a problem or things were not working out, instead of straining or becoming angry you should just relax and feel your way into the Flow and everything would work out. It is, she said, rather like when you cant get a key to open a lock and if you wiggle it furiously it gets worse, but take it out, stick a bit of lip gloss on it, then just sort of sense your way and Eureka! But not to mention idea to Sharon because she thought it was bollocks.

I ran upstairs, but when I got to my door I realized Id shut it behind me with the key inside. I started banging my head against it, yelling, Shit, shit!』

I hung around for a while feeling a total git, then spotted Simon from Marketing. Cunningly pretending I had not intended to join Perpetuas conversation at all, I bore down purposefully upon Simon, preparing to say, Simon Barnett! in the style of Tina Brown. When I was almost there, however, I noticed that, unfortunately, Simon from Marketing was talking to Julian Barnes.

No, I was fine. Did you see how thin I am? Silence.

Absolutely, interjected Mark.

Oh God. Do not want to go to scary party. Want to stay home with bottle of wine and watch Eastenders.

So? said Perpetua sneerily, with a sideways glance at Arabella and Piggy.

Shame, he said softly. See you Monday, and gave me a look so dirty I felt like throwing myself after him shouting, Shag me! Shag me!』

Ah, Bridget, she said. Are you going to get a drink? and held out her glass. When I returned with three glasses of wine and a Perrier they were in full autowitter.

8.20 a.m. Dry skin brushing (anti-cellulite), bath and hairwash.

9.10 a.m. Suddenly realize hair is drying in weird shape. Search for hairbrush. Locate in handbag. Blow-dry hair. Will not go right. Spray with plant spray and blow some more.

They should have refused to let anyone listen to the World Cup tune, hooted Arabella, until they could prove theyd listened to Turandot all the way through!』

Can I use your toilet?』

I bloody well cant! shrieked Magda, tugging at the car hood.

Party got off to a bad start when could nor see anyone that I knew to introduce to each other.

I altered my path to pass his table, at which he immersed himself deep in conversation with the trollop, glancing up as I walked past and giving me a firm, confident smile as if to say business meeting. I gave him a look which said, Dont you business meeting me, and strutted on.

I love you, Bridge.』

I see, he smirked, inner poise, eh?』

Absolutely. They think that what they see when theyre channel hopping between Noels House Party and Blind Date actually is Aread.99csw.comusten or Eliot.』

9.05 a.m. Have got tights on now. Add skirt. Begin ironing shirt.

We were just talking about hierarchies of culture, boomed Perpetua. Bridget is one of these people who thinks the moment when the screen goes back on Blind Date is on a par with Othellos hurl my soul from heaven soliloquy, she said, hooting with laughter.

Are you in love? asked Tom in a suspicious, jealous tone. Hes always like this. Its not that he wants to be with me, because, obviously, he is a homosexual. But if you are single the last thing you want is your best friend forming a functional relationship with somebody else. I racked my brains, then stopped, shocked by a sudden, stunning realization. I am not in love with Daniel anymore. I am free.

7 a.m. Get weighed.

Go away, Daniel, I hissed.

We both started laughing — wed had quite a lot of whisky by now. Then suddenly — I dont quite know how — he was kissing me. This was quite an awkward situation, etiquette-wise, because I had just flooded his flat and ruined his evening, so I didnt want to seem ungrateful. I know that didnt give him license to sexually harass me, but the complication was quite enjoyable, really, after all the dramas and inner poise and everything. Then suddenly a man in motorbike leathers appeared at the open door holding a pizza box.

Nothing. No, I just thought . . .』

Simon was the same.

Go away. Youre drunk, I said, with more conviction than I felt.

My body is a temple. I wonder if its time to go to bed yet? Oh no, its only 8.30. Inner poise.

4) To make interesting contacts in the publishing world, possibly even other professions in order to find new career.

Oh shit, said Dan. I forgod I ordered pizza.』

Maybe I should do something, like, well, er . . . mending? Inner poise The phone rang. It was Tom.

Yes. What — do you know him as well?』

9 p.m. It was my father, speaking in a weird, disconnected voice, almost as if he were a dalek.

c) Stupid.

Now I feel empty and bewildered — as if a rug has been pulled from under my feet. Eighteen years — wasted. Eighteen years of calorie- and fat-unit-based arithmetic. Eighteen years of buying long shirts and sweaters and leaving the room backwards in intimate situations to hide my bottom.

Jerrers! she yelled into the portable phone. Jerrers, you fucking adulterous bastard! How do you open the hood on the Saab!』

Ah! Yes! I said, panicking wildly about what it was I could possibly want. Ahm.』

Yes, I bet you did, you dirty little bitch, he growled. Do you want to come and have supper?』

It continued all evening. Theres nothing worse than people telling you you look tired. They might as well have done with it and say you look like five kinds of shit. I felt so pleased with myself for not drinking but as the evening wore on, and everyone got drunker, I began to feel so calm and smug that I was even irritating myself. I kept finding myself in conversations when I actually couldnt be bothered to say a single word, and just looked on and nodded in a wise, detached manner.

Bridgiiiiiiiit! Have you got a fag?』

Saturday 29 April Alcohol units 12, cigarettes 57, calories 8489 (excellent).

The article is full of useful tips. One should never, apparently, talk to anyone at a party for more than two minutes. When time is up, you simply say, I think were expected to circulate. Nice to meet you, and go off. If you get lost for words after asking someone what they do to which they reply Undertaker or I work for the Child Support Agency, you must simply ask, Do you enjoy that? When introducing people add a thoughtful detail or two about each person so that their interlocutor has a conversational kicking-off point. E.g., This is John — hes from New Zealand and enjoys windsurfing. Or, Gina is a keen skydiver and lives on a barge.』

7.35-7.50 a.m. Look out of window. 7.55 a.m. Open wardrobe. Stare at clothes. 8 am. Select shirt. Try to find black Lycra miniskirt. Pull clothes out of bottom of wardrobe in quest for skirt. Go through drawers and search behind bedroom chair. Go through ironing basket. Go through dirty linen basket. Skirt has vanished. Have cigarette to cheer self up.

Hmmmm. Anyway, will think of some more later.

No, I said with a firmness that rather surprised me.

Have you got any camomile tea? I said to Jude at one point as she lurched past, hiccupping happily, at which point she collapsed into giggles, put her arm round me and fell over. I decided Id better go home.

Are you all right?』

10 a.m. Try to find handbag. Handbag has vanished. Decide to see if anything nice has come in the mail.

How do you know Mark Darcy? I said, astonished.

I switched channels and lurched in horror. It was trailer for the Anne and Nick show and there, frozen in a video-effect diamond between Anne and Nick on the sofa, was my mother, all bouffed and made-up, as if she were Katie Bloody Boyle or someone.

3) To put the social skills from the article into action.

Im not bloody coming back, you bastard! Magda was yelling. Just tell me how to open the fucking bonnet.』

11 p.m. Right.

Oh, I thought it was a soap or a shampoo, I said, sulkily grabbing a handful of passing sate sticks and shoving them into my mouth. As I looked up I saw a dark-haired man in a suit straight in front of me.

Yes. I feel great. Why?』

Thursday 27 April Alcohol units 0, cigarettes 0, Instants 12 (v.v. bad, but have not weighed self or thought about dieting all day; v.g.).

But thats exactly what they do, do, said Mark Darcy gently.