Shit, JJ. What do you want me to say? OK, you are Springsteen. Youre one of the most successful performers in music business history. You were on the cover of Time and Newsweek in the same week. You fill stadiums night after fucking night. There. You feel better now? Jeez. Grow up, man.

This is Stephen, Penny said. Hes looking after Matty, and he didnt have anyone to talk to, so I came over to say hello.

Some of the patients are difficult, I said, in a stupid whiny voice. Poor pay. Night shifts. Diddums.

Ill come with you, I said.

Well all go, said Ed. So we all went, and Lizzie and I kept not talking, and Ed kept talking, and it felt like the last couple years of my life, condensed into a line for a latte.

I hadnt seen or spoken to Penny since the morning our brush with the angel had been in the papers. I had thought fondly of her, but I hadnt really missed her, either sexually or socially. My libido was on leave of absence (and one had to be prepared for the possibility that it might opt for early retirement and never return to its place of work); my social life consisted of JJ, Maureen and Jess, which might suggest that it was as sickly as my sex drive, not least because they seemed to suffice for the time being. And yet when I saw Penny flirt with one of Mattys nurses, I felt uncontrollably angry.

I had the feeling that over in the corner, where the girls were colouring their picture, there was another Martin - a kinder, gentler Martin - watching in appalled fascination, and I wondered briefly whether it was possible to rejoin him.

Exactly.

So whens it all going to start sucking for Dylan? Or Springsteen? Probably when theyre staying in a motel that doesnt allow them to use hot water until six p.m.

That was Mr and Mrs Crichton, though, not Jess. Jess didnt know anything about the earring theory, and Jess was the one who needed her world to look different. She was the one whod been up on the roof with me. Mr and Mrs Crichton had their jobs and their friends and all the rest of it, so you could say that they didnt need any stories about earrings. You could say that stories about earrings were wasted on them.

This information is probably of no use to anyone in the world apart from me, because, for obvious reasons, he doesnt tend to form real deep attachments to people hes punched, so they never learn the ear thing - they dont seem to stick around long enough. Im probably the only one who knows when to duck.

Look at his face, said Homeless Guy. Oh, hes serious, all right.

Go away, before you make an idiot of yourself, said Penny. It says a lot for Pennys generosity of spirit that she still saw idiocy coming towards me from off in the distance, and that I still had a chance of getting out of the way; less partial observers would have argued that idiocy had already squashed me flat. It didnt matter, though, because I wasnt moving.

To Jen? Or to Jess? To Jen.

Maybe Id misjudged the mood and the moment. The world wasnt ready for my big closing speech.

You trying to get me killed? I said to her.

Like, I dont know. If Nirvana got back together. That would mean the Foo Fighters had to split up. Then theyd be unhappy.

Hey, everybody, I yelled, although I had already attracted all the attention I could possibly wish for. Arent I great? Arent I great? You think this is hard, Blondie? Ill tell you whats hard, Sunny Jim. Hard is… But here I dried up. As it turned out, there were no examples of difficulty in my professional life readily to hand. And the difficulties I had experienced recently all stemmed from sleeping with an underage girl, which meant that they werent much good for eliciting sympathy.

Is that it, do you think? said Jesss father. I mean, I dont want to… I dont wish to appear unsympathetic. And I know Jess took a lot of trouble organizing this. But, well… Theres no one really left, is there? Would you like us to stay, Maureen? Is there anything we can usefully achieve as a unit? Because obviously, if there was… I mean, what do you think Jess was hoping for? Perhaps we can help her to achieve it in absentia? I knew what Jess was hoping for. She was hoping that her mum and dad would come and make everything better, in the way mums and dads are supposed to. I used to have that dream, a long time ago, when I was first on my own with Matty, and I think its a dream that everyone has. Everyone whose life has gone badly wrong, anyway.

Is that what you think I meant? said Lizzie.

Fuck you.

So I told Jesss father that I thought Jess just wanted people to understand better, and that I was sorry if that wasnt what had happened.

Fuck you.

And then when I got up to the top of the stairs, I felt stupid, but it was too late to go back down again, so I just walked straight out the door and down Upper Street and into the Angel underground and I got on the first train that came. No one chased after me.

Anyway, so there I was, sitting down with my back against the wall, rolling up roll-ups, when I saw this lecturer from college. Hes like an old bloke, one of those art-school people whove been knocking around since the sixties. He teaches typography and that, and I went to a couple of his classes until I got bored. I dont mind him, Colin. He doesnt have a grey pony-tail and he doesnt wear a faded denim jacket. And he never wanted to be our friend, which must mean that he has his own 九九藏書friends. You couldnt say that about some of them.

And he goes, Why are you here, sitting on the path? And I tell him that Id had a row with my fucking mother about some earrings, and he was like, And now you cant go home? And I said that I could if I wanted to. I could just get on the Northern Line back to Angel and then jump on a bus. But I didnt want to. And he went, Well, I dont think you should sit here. Is there anywhere you can go? And then I realized that he thought I had turned into like a nutter, so I stood up quickly, which made him jump, and I gave him a mouthful and walked away.

Anyway, I knew Springsteen. Or at least, I saw him live on the E Street reunion tour. And, Senator JJ, youre no Springsteen.

Nothings gonna turn up here, he said. You gotta come home.

JJ The minute I saw Ed and Lizzie down in that basement, I felt this uncontrollable little flicker of hope. Like, this is it! Theyve come to rescue me! The rest of the band are setting up for a gig tonight, and then afterwards Lizzie and I are going back to this cute apartment that shes rented for the two of us! Thats what shes been doing all this time! Apartment hunting and decorating! And… Whos that old guy talking to Jess? Could he be a record-company executive? Has Ed fixed us up with a new deal? No, he hasnt. The old guy is Jesss dad, and later I found out that Lizzie had a new boyfriend, someone with a house in Hampstead and his own graphic design company.

For people like us, rocknroll is like college, said Ed after wed ordered. Were working-class guys. We dont get to fuck around like frat boys unless we join a band. We get a few years then the band starts to suck, and the road starts to suck, and having no money really starts to suck. So you get a job. Thats life, man.

I never pegged you for a quitter, Ed said.

This was my big closing speech. Every band that has ever come apart, every couple . . Theres too much unhappiness in the world as it is, without people splitting up every ten seconds.

I didnt realize you felt that bad, Ed said after a while.

Who did? she said. Her face looked different now. It was having to do things it wasnt used to doing, because she suddenly looked so desperate to hear what I had to say. I dont think she was used to listening properly. I liked making her face do something new, and that was why I went on, partly. I felt like I was in charge of a lawnmower, cutting a path into places where the grass was overgrown.

Im sorry? he said.

So we all went out on to the street. It was cold and dark and wet, but Eds ears were like two little torches in the gloom.

You see? said Lizzie. Homo-erotic, with a bit of sado-masochism thrown in. Just kiss him, and be done with it.

Thanks, pal.

Unless we all beat the shit out of you, said Ed.

Thered have been no Clash. Cos Joe Strummer would have had to stay in his first band.

You shut the fuck up, said Ed.

I snapped out of it pretty quick. There was no excitement in their faces, or their voices, so I knew that they didnt have any news for me, any grand announcement about my future. I could see love there, and concern, and it made me feel a little teary, to tell you the truth; I hugged them for a long time so that they couldnt see me being a wuss. But theyd come to a Starbucks basement because theyd been told to come to a Starbucks basement, and neither of them had any idea why.

Were they special to her? I said.

Yeah. But from what I hear, the rest of them had good reasons. What have you got? You got nothing, man.

You could wreck it all for them in a second, if you chose to, rip enormous great big holes in the story, because what did it add up to, really?

Lizzie smiled politely. It was hard, with the two of them there - like your first and your second wives coming to see you in the hospital.

Hes on my side, said Ed. So it doesnt matter what it sounds like to you. He understands.

It was going to be a happy ending, I could feel it coming. And it was going to involve all four of us. The first show we played when we got back together, we could dedicate a song to Homeless Guy. Hey - he could maybe even be our road manager. Plus, he could make one of the toasts at the wedding. Everyone should get back with everyone, I said, and I meant it.

It was true that on our last tour, we stayed in a motel like that in South Carolina. But I remember the show, which smoked; Ed remembers the showers, which didnt.

No, no, I understand, man, I said. Thanks.

Oh, I know who Pauline Kael is, he said. I wasnt born homeless, you know.

I nodded, trying somehow to convey in the gesture that I was too angry and disgusted to continue. And then I took the only option apparently available to me, and followed Jess and JJ out of the door.

Hi, said Stephen. I glared at him.

Jen. If she loved her earrings, then she probably came back for them.

Youre not serious, said Lizzie.

Hit him, he said to me.

I was only trying to get things started, said the homeless guy.

Hard is when… I just needed something with which to finish the sentence. Anything would do, even something I hadnt experienced directly.

So I watched the water for a little while, and then I went to a stall by the bridge and bought some tobacco and papers and matches. Then I went back to where Id been standing and sat down to roll myself a few smokes, for something to do, sort of thing. I dont know why I dont smoke more, to be honest. I forget, I thinkread.99csw.com. If someone like me forgets to smoke, what chance has smoking got? Look at me. Youd bet any money that I smoked like fuck, and I dont. New Years Resolution: smoke more. Its got to be better for you than jumping off of tower-blocks.

Why dont you just get back together? said Lizzie. At least youve got all that mike-sharing and those great big electric penis substitutes.

I didnt have the same feeling about the money. I could see that there might have been another explanation for that.

Oh, thats OK. I wasnt doing anything, and Jess seemed to think it might help.

And they both laughed, then, as if they liked Jess, and liked it that shed rather jump off a tower-block than read a book.

Yup. Thats pretty much how it feels.

Who said I didnt want him to be in a band? Lizzie asked him.

You just need to think that perhaps someone might have helped themselves to their own earrings, and your part of the world looks like somewhere you could live in for a while.

Yeah, well I shrugged. She was nice. That wouldnt have been a bad life.

No I dont, I said. Lizzies right. Why would you come all this way to punch me? Its a Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid thing, surely? said Lizzie.

You flew all this way to tell me that? Fuck you.

Id only seen him like two months before, so of course I remembered him. And I went, No, and laughed, which was supposed to be a joke, but which couldnt have come across as a joke, because then he goes, still in this whispery voice, Im Colin Wearing, and I used to teach you at art college. And I go, Yeah, yeah, and he goes, No, I am, and then I see that he thought my Yeah, yeah was like Yeah, right, but it wasnt that sort of Yeah, yeah. All I was doing with the two Yeahs was trying to tell him that Id only been joking before, but I only made it worse. I made it look like I thought he was pretending to be Colin Wearing, which would be an utterly insane thing to do. So the whole conversation is going right off course. Its like a supermarket trolley with a wonky wheel, because all the time Im thinking, this should be easy to push along, and everything I say just takes me in the wrong direction.

You just wait and listen to what I have to say. I did you the courtesy of listening to you banging on about what a national hero you are. Now you listen to me.

So the thing to do was to go back - to Starbucks, or home, to somewhere - anywhere that wasnt forward. If youre walking somewhere, and you come up against a brick wall, then you have to retrace your steps.

But then I sort of found a way of climbing over the wall. Or I found a little hole in the wall I could crawl through, or whatever. I met this geezer with a really nice dog, and I went and slept with him instead.

Thats what it looked like from my point of view. From his point of view, it looked like I was sitting on the pavement rolling up fags and swearing to myself, and thats not such a good look, is it? He kind of came up to me, and then he crouched down so he was at my height, and then he started talking to me quietly. And he was like, Jess? Do you remember me?

And I dont know what difference it made, this sudden flash.

Your ears are getting red, I said.

Its easy, being a male nurse, isnt it? Not very, said Stephen. He had made the elementary mistake of answering my question as if it had been delivered straight, without bile. I mean, its rewarding, sure, but… Long hours, poor pay, night shifts. Some of the patients are difficult. He shrugged.

Naaah, I said. Well. You know. Its just… an idea I had. A theory I was working on. I hadnt ironed out all the kinks in it, yet.

I dont think he minded staying where he was for a couple of minutes.

And suddenly, just for a moment, I felt good. It helped that I really love cold Guinness; it helped that I really love Ed and Lizzie. Or I used to love them, or kind of love them, or loved and hated them, or whatever. And maybe for the first time in the last few months, I acknowledged something properly, something I knew had been hiding right down in my guts, or at the back of my head - somewhere I could ignore it, anyway. And what I owned up to was this: I had wanted to kill myself not because I hated living, but because I loved it. And the truth of the matter is, I think, that a lot of people who think about killing themselves feel the same way - I think thats how Maureen and Jess and Martin feel. They love life, but its all fucked up for them, and thats why I met them, and thats why were all still around. We were up on the roof because we couldnt find a way back into life, and being shut out of it like that… It just fucking destroys you, man.

Childbirth? Tournament-level chess? But nothing came.

Its those bloody earrings, he said, and so I asked about the earrings, and he told me the story.

Listen, I said to Ed. I come here a lot. You wanna kick my ass, then lets go outside.

Look at you, I said. He was wearing like a suede jacket, which looked like it had cost a lot of money, and a pair of white corduroys, and though his hair was still long, it looked kind of healthy and glossy. He looked like one of those assholes that date the girls in Sex and the City.

Yeah, well, I said. Something will turn up. I wanted to say something about that Micawber dude in Dickens, but I didnt want Ed to get on my case even before wed talked.

JJ So I just stood there on the sidewalk and told Ed to take a swing at me if it would makehttps://read.99csw.com him feel any better.

God, said Mr Crichton. Id never thought of that.

Not all of em, I pointed out.

Whats up, man? said Ed. I heard you werent doing so good.

I didnt want to have to go into the whole ninety-day thing, so I changed the subject.

So that moment, when Mum asked me how they could help, it was sort of like the moment the guy jumped off the roof. I mean, it wasnt as horrible or as scary and no one died and we were indoors et cetera. But you know how you keep things tucked up in the back of your head in a sort of rainy day box? For example, you think, one day, if I cant handle it any more, then Ill top myself. One day, if Im really fucking up badly, then Ill just give up and ask Mum and Dad to bail me out. Anyway, the mental rainy day box was empty now, and the joke was that there had never been anything in it all the time.

Me neither. But… that makes so much sense. Because, do you remember, Chris? Thats when we lost a couple of other things, too. That was when that money went missing.

Hey, be careful what you say. This is the Quitters Club HQ.

Oh, so thats why you didnt want him to be in a band, said Ed. You were jealous.

And I said at the time that I thought there were a couple of books gone, do you remember? And we know Jess didnt take those.

And what about second marriages? There are loads of happy second marriages.

The people left behind stood around for a little while, the nurses and Jesss parents and Martins friends and family, and then when we all began to realize that no one was coming back, not even JJ and his friends, no one was quite sure what to do.

I really, really dont want to sleep with him, said Ed. I really want to punch him. But he has to punch me first.

So, I did what I normally do in these situations. I told my mum to fuck off and I told my dad to fuck off and then I left, even though I was supposed to be talking to someone elses friends and family afterwards.

Just let me hear the end of this, said the homeless guy. Dont go back inside. I never get the fucking ending of a story, stuck out here.

I could see and feel why it would make a difference to them, this idea that Jen had come into the house for her earrings. It would mean that she had disappeared, gone to Texas or Scotland or Notting Hill Gate, rather than that shed been killed, or shed killed herself. It meant that they could think about where she was, imagine her life now. They could wonder about whether shed had a baby that theyd never seen and might never see, or got a job that theyd never hear about. It meant that in their heads they could carry on being ordinary parents. Its what I was doing, when I bought Matty his posters and his tapes - I was being an ordinary mother in my head, just for a moment.

Neither Lizzie nor Ed would have had a fucking clue who Pauline Kael was, but I got two or three of her collections. I used to keep them by the toilet, because theyre great for dipping into when youre on the can.

Oh, what, and youre all grown up because your old man took pity on you and gave you a job hooking people up with illegal cable TV? Eds ears get red when hes about to start throwing punches.

You flew across the bloody Atlantic because JJ was in trouble, Lizzie said to Ed. And now look at you. One conversation and you want to punch him.

The guy making our coffee was watching us carefully. I knew him, to say hello to, and he was OK; he was a student, and wed talked about music a couple times. He liked the White Stripes a lot, and Id been trying to get him to listen to Muddy Waters and the Wolf. We were freaking him out a little.

Ed looked at me as if I had gone nuts.

Have you finished, mate? Stephen asked.

We walked down the road a little ways and went to a pub, and Ed bought me a Guinness, and Lizzie bought a pack of smokes from the machine and put it down on the table for us to share, and we just sat there, with Ed and Lizzie looking at me as if they were waiting for me to catch my breath.

Lizzie tried not to laugh, and the effort produced a weird snorting noise, and I took a long pull on my Guinness.

The first train that came along was southbound, and I got off at London Bridge and went for a walk. If youd seen me leaning on the wall and looking down at the water, youd have gone, Oh, shes thinking, but I wasnt. I mean, there were words in my head, but just because there are words in your head it doesnt mean youre thinking, just like if youve got a pocket full of pennies it doesnt mean youre rich. The words in my head were like, bollocks, bastard, bitch, shit, fuck, wanker, and they were spinning round in there pretty fast, too fast even for me to make a sentence out of them. And thats not really thought, is it?

Thanks, I said to Penny.

The suicide thing - that wasnt a clue? Yeah. I knew you wanted to kill yourself. But I didnt know you felt so bad that you wanted to patch things up with Lizzie and the band. Thats this whole different level of misery, way beyond suicide.

Eds ears couldnt have gotten any redder, so I was wondering whether they might just burst into flame and then turn black. At least then I could say that Id seen something new.

Martin! said Penny.

This really tickled the homeless guy. He laughed like a hyena. Did you ever read Pauline Kael on Butch Cassidy! God, she hated it, he said.

Anyway, hers wasnt a name I was necessarily expecting to hear from that particular guy at that particular mome九_九_藏_書nt. I looked at him.

And I didnt know where all this thinking was leading to, but I could see suddenly that I was in more trouble than I had thought. I know that sounds stupid, considering Id thought about killing myself, but that was all just for a laugh, and if Id jumped it would have been for a laugh, too. What if I had a future on this planet, though? What then? How many people could I piss off, and how many places could I run away from, before I found myself sitting by the river and swearing externally real? Not many more, was the answer.

To tell this story truthfully, I should probably say that he saw me before I saw him, because when I looked up from my rolling, he was walking over to me. And to be really properly truthful, I should also say that some of the thinking I was doing, in other words the mental swearing, probably wasnt entirely mental, if you see what I mean. It was meant to be mental, but some of it was coming out through my mouth, just because there was so much of it. It was sort of slopping out of me, as if the swearing was coming out of a tap and running into a bucket (my head), and I hadnt bothered turning the tap off even when the bucket was full.

Kiss him, the homeless guy said to Ed. Kiss him or punch him. But lets get something going, for Gods sake.

Anyone want a coffee? said Lizzie.

And who was your first girlfriend? Kathy Gorecki! said Ed. Ha! Youd still be with her, said Lizzie.

I dont really know, he said.

And I didnt know. They feed me and clothe me and give me booze money and educate me and all that. When I talk they listen. I just thought that if I told them they had to help me, theyd help me. I never realized there was nothing I could say, and nothing they could say, and nothing they could do.

I suppose you think youre pretty great, I said.

Oh, man, said Ed, in the tone of voice that we usually used when Maureen had said something heartbreaking. I cant punch you.

So its like an act of despair, not an act of nihilism. Its a mercy killing, not a murder. I dont know why it suddenly got to me. Maybe because I was in a pub with people I loved, drinking a Guinness, and I know I said this before, but I fucking love Guinness, like I love pretty much all alcohol - love it as it should be loved, as one of the glories of Gods creation. And wed had this stupid scene on the street, and even that was kind of cool, because sometimes its moments like that, real complicated moments, absorbing moments, that make you realize that even hard times have things in them that make you feel alive. And then theres music, and girls, and drugs, and homeless people whove read Pauline Kael, and wah-wah pedals, and English potato chip flavours, and I havent even read Martin Chuzzlewit yet, and… Theres plenty out there.

Jen could have come back because she wanted to die wearing her earrings.

That wasnt what I meant.

How does that work with bands that grew out of other bands? said Ed.

Stop it, the pair of you, said Lizzie. I couldnt say for sure, but I seem to remember that last time the three of us were together, she said the same thing.

Shall I leave your coffees on the counter here? Sure. It wont take long. He usually calms down after hes landed a good one.

No, I said, immediately at something of a moral disadvantage. Not thanks for that. Thanks for standing here flirting in front of me. Thanks for nothing, in other words.

You heard me, I said. Smug git.

She might not have come back at all. And she was still gone, whether she came back for five minutes or not. Oh, but I know what you need to keep yourself going. That probably sounds funny, considering why we were all there in that coffee bar in the first place. But the fact is that so far I have kept myself going, even if I had to climb the stairs to the roof of Toppers House to do it. Sometimes you just need to give things a tiny little jiggle.

You want to sleep with each other, but you cant, because youre both so straight.

I hate people like you, I said. You wheel a disabled kid around for a bit and you want a medal. And how hard is it, really? At this point, I regret to say, I took the handles of Mattys wheelchair and pushed him up and down. And it suddenly seemed like an excellent idea to put my hand on my hip while I was doing it, in order to suggest that pushing disabled people around in their wheelchairs was an effeminate activity.

Sean, Stephen said to his partner. Im going to wait upstairs. This guys throwing the rattle out of the pram.

But then I did think, as opposed to swear mentally. And the first thing I thought was that it would be very easy for me to be a nutter. Im not saying it would be a piece of piss, living that life - I dont mean that. I just mean that I had a lot in common with some of the people you see sitting on pavements swearing and rolling cigarettes. Some of them seemed to hate people, and I hated just about everyone. They must have pissed off their friends and family, and Id pretty much done that. And who knows whether Jens a nutter now? Maybe it runs in the genes, although with my dad being a junior Education minister, maybe its one of those things that skips a generation.

This kind of sensationally bad behaviour elicited a great deal of fascination, I could see that, and I hope I dont seem immodest when I say that my celebrity, or what remained of it, was crucial to the success of the spectacle: usually, television personalities only 九_九_藏_書behave badly in nightclubs, when surrounded by other television personalities, so my decision to cut loose when sober to a male nurse, in a Starbucks basement, was bold - possibly even groundbreaking. And it wasnt as if Stephen could really take it personally, just as he couldnt have taken it personally if Id decided to crap on his shoes. The outward manifestations of an inner combustion are never very directed.

Look at Daddy, Mummy, one of my daughters (and Im sorry to say that I dont know which one) yelled with delight. Hes funny, isnt he? There, I said to Penny. Hows that? Do I look more attractive to you again now? Penny was staring at me as if I were indeed crapping on Stephens shoe, a look that answered the question.

I never really wanted to look like I used to look. I looked like that because I was broke. And we never stayed anywhere with a decent shower.

There isnt going to be a fight, is there? said the homeless guy sadly.

They were her favourites, said Mrs Crichton. She had a strange face.

I didnt want her to go.

You know what girls of that age are like.

I was, in retrospect, almost certainly looking for an excuse to leave the bosom of my family. As suspected, I had learned very little about myself in the previous few minutes. Neither my ex-wifes scorn nor my daughters crayons had been as instructive as Jess might have wished.

Thanks, said the White Stripes guy. I mean, you know. Youd be welcome if there wasnt anyone else here, because youre a regular, and we like to look after our regulars. But… He gestured at the line behind us.

There was a guy selling that homeless magazine standing watching us.

I could suddenly see my life being put back together before my eyes. It had all been a terrible misunderstanding, which was now about to be cleared up, with much laughter and many tears. Lizzie never wanted to break up with me. Ed never wanted to break up with me. Id come out on to the sidewalk to get my ass kicked, and instead, I was going to get everything I ever wanted.

Is that like "A mans gotta do what a mans gotta do"? Because it sounds utterly meaningless to us, Im afraid, said Lizzie. She was leaning against the window of a thrift shop, making out like she was bored, but I knew she wasnt. She was angry too, but she didnt want to show it.

So, the point when everything starts to suck… Thats like our college degree. Our graduation.

She came back for them, I said. I dont know why I said it, and I dont know if it was true or not. But it felt like the right thing to say. It felt true in that way.

But she never gave no thin up! said Ed. You never even got a hand under a bra! Im sure Id have managed by now. Wed have been together fifteen years.

You could say all that, but it wouldnt be true. They needed the stories - you could see it in their faces. I only know one person in the world who doesnt need stories to keep himself going, and that person is Matty. (And maybe even he does. I dont know what goes on in there. Keep talking to him, they say, so I do, and who knows whether he uses something I say?) And there are other ways of dying, without killing yourself. You can let parts of yourself die. Jesss mother had let her face die, and I watched it come to life again.

I dont want to hit you unless you hit me, he said.

She smiled the whole time we were speaking, but it was as though shed only discovered smiling that afternoon - she didnt have the sort of face that looked as though it were very used to being cheerful. The lines she had were the sort youd get from being angry about stolen earrings, and her mouth was very thin and tight.

Things have to go the way they have to go, said Ed.

MAUREEN Jess was always walking out of everywhere, so I didnt mind her going too much. But when JJ walked out, and then Martin… Well, I started to feel a bit annoyed, to tell you the honest truth. It seemed rude, when everyone had gone to all that trouble to turn up. And Martin was so peculiar, pushing Matty up and down and asking everyone if he looked attractive. Why would anyone think he looked attractive? He didnt look attractive at all. He looked mad. To be fair to JJ, hed taken his guests with him when he went - he hadnt left them behind in the coffee bar, the way Jess and Martin had done. But later on I found out that hed taken them all outside to have a fight with them, so it was difficult to decide whether he was being rude or not. On the one hand, he was with them, but on the other hand, he was with them because he wanted to beat them up. I think thats probably still rude, but not as rude as the others.

Yeah, you got that dead wrong, Ed, I said. She wasnt that deep. She dumped me precisely because I wasnt in a band. She wasnt interested in being with me unless I became a rock star and made a shitload of money.

This isnt a paradox, if you know anything about the perversity of human nature. (I believe I have used that line before, and as a consequence it is probably beginning to seem a little less authoritative and psychologically astute. Next time, I shall just own up to the perversity and the inconsistency, and leave human nature out of it.) Jealousy is likely to seize a man at any time, and in any case the blond nurse was tall, and young, and tanned, and blond. There is every chance that he would have made me uncontrollably angry if he had been standing on his own in the basement of Starbucks, or indeed anywhere in London.