how long this has been going on?

under the expert eyes of a stern looking woman, MRS. WHITTENMEYER,

MRS. WHITTENMEYER

MAGGIE

And she scampers out. Brian goes back into the confessional.

humiliated enough already to last a

applauded.

the distance, then turns off the car lights.

MAGGIE (contd)

IKE

salesperson, right? Youre here to

Fisher winces and looks away. Ike and Ellie look at each other

didnt come here to see Ike Junior.

care about Mount Everest?

A CRASH, coming from the nearby back room, we hear loud muttering

He walks into the chapel.

Peggy whispers to Maggie.

IKE

He is finding it very hard to gloat. Fisher is annoying him.

Lets just put this back here for the

IKE

fresh pot of tea.

heads out the window. The window is wide enough.

into formal.

PEGGY

Let him come to the wedding. Youre

have it, Mags. I said "Youre on, man!

But you havent lost your mystery!

out of film and goes to get more, leaving Peggy and Maggie alone.

handle with the "HOT" still on it,

even want to talk about it.

IKE

Im...

the truth.

MAGGIE (contd)

Or maybe you just wanted to wear the

(quietly)

we deliberately abandon fiances with

person for everybody?

Im happy here, where Im supposed to

(then)

Maggie jumps and turns to see: DENNIS -- the kid from the high

Ellie fidgets with her toy rake, then Ike heads for the door.

(running; yells)

IKE

the cacophony.

IKE

All true. All accurate.

to the head of the aisle and places him. Peggy follows Maggie

IKE

Attention. Listen to Walter. Listen

Dont take anything big.

you know, Betty and I got married on

Mag. Help me out here. Green Bay.

WALTER

know. What do you think?"

You wont believe what Im looking at,

I mean, Jack Dempsey lost his

her face, then she scampers back into the house.

Then well come back for him.

All the guests start banding their pineapple cups. Walter rises

honeymooning with Las Vegas odds makers

They come up for air.

Ike sneezes. She looks down and imagines she sees the carpet

MAGGIE

GILL

newspaper. He turns in astonishment and continues up the

He leaves.

You know Maggie was the only girl I

(stammering)

This is the weight of the pack youre

father whos drunk all the time. Ill

MAGGIE

Sports psychology. It was my major in

IKE

scrambled. With the Dead Head, fried.

GEORGE

(to Maggie)

He begins to pace.

IKE

Maggie cringes at the sound of Ikes voice.

BOB

Hes the one... Hes the one.

During the Ike/Mrs. Pressman exchange, Maggie looks at Ike.

stories. Its not what you call ethical.

been more certain in my life. Except

fitted on the pedestal in the middle of the room. A saleswoman,

Peggy stops in her track. Maggie is sitting curled up in a salon

side of Maggie and picks up the bride and groom figure.

Join the club.

No, no, you should have seen Skipper.

What?

Why?

ANGLE ON:

beg your forgiveness.

Brian, open up. Dont ignore me.

entomologist, right? Hows business?

Shes ripping them down, fast and furious, then shoves them in

Why else would you print a piece of

ends up being another big city reporter

Youre tensing.

into at least fifteen minutes of

not..."

for a second?

MAGGIE

IKE (contd)

At this pace, it could be an evening

At the wedding? You invite him? Bob,

MAGGIE

MAGGIE

Thank you.

into town with his tail between his

MRS. WHITTENMEYER

(reads)

Good boy, Port Hole.

Maggie is sitting, end of a long day. Peggy sticks her head in

results are in. Back to you, Jessica.

Where did you disappear to?

in an article?

wait another minute to find out what

MRS. PRESSMAN

first wedding. She drags the train boy up the second aisle as

BOB

Willow lamp... Rasta lamp...

He walks to them.

crosses the street, he mutters into his tape recorder:

looks at Mrs. Trout, suddenly nervous. She dashes out. Mrs.

MAGGIE

Ha ha.

newspaper)

TED

Am I right? Well? Am I right?

MAGGIE (V.O.)

(to Peggy)

MAGGIE

your drivers license...

IKE

very professional job.

hasnt read this yet.

Establishing.

label. It says "Miles Davis" on it. She pockets the tape. She

Ike as he gets to the window, but Maggie is out in driveway.

irreversibly screwed up. But, Maggie,

Thank you. Do you think I flirt with

MAGGIE (contd)

Im happy for you, honey.

column ideas I want to bounce off you.

one or both of us will want to get out

smiles at her. She smiles at him. She is almost there... Shes

MRS. TROUT

INSERT window of church. Peggy peers out the window at the

the luau, then moves around the corner.

BOB

When Im wrong, Im wrong. I pushed a

(crosses to Gill)

MRS. PRESSMAN (contd)

about Ikes age. Ellie sits behind a big desk with a scowl on

are distorted, ungrounded an incomplete.

Its a very symbolic thing happening.

calls out to her affectionately as she passes. One of them,

I like and then finding me a rare album.

IKE (contd)

Highly suspect.

Getting nervous?

Really?

doesnt understand it. The USS Maggie

going next.

"Camptown Races."

Maggie gives him a look that says, "You are not absolved." She

Excuse me, sir. I have an actual fact

MAGGIE

EXT. TE TROUT BAKERY - THE NEXT DAY

away from Lee and turns smack into Ellie and Fisher. Ike puts

Found what?

INT. MAGGIES KITCHEN - DAY

FOOTBALL PLAYERS job past Maggie, doing laps. A boy, KENDALL,

theyre gonna make you sign a lease.

Peggy laughs.

"Never say die."

justice.

Used?

MAGGIE

Hes going to be the pastor?

uncomfortable accusation has plunged me

Maggie rushes inside and looks around. No one is in sight.

INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH/CHURCH - DAY

Ill help you take into the kitchen.

propose? Shes not that beautiful."

Bob will be very happy.

Yes I do!

IKE

I like it. This whole thing is pretty

(picking up a

MAGGIE

INT. ELLIES OFFICE OR APARTMENT - DAY

because youre too afraid to do

exactly like what he is: a cynical New York out of his element

THE TV - CLOSE

MAGGIE

through the air towards the hands of

(dazed but happy)

In vino veritas.

You noticed these are all countries

The laughter swells and swells, led by Walter.

Are you all right with this? You think

MAGGIE

at Peggy. He directs his delight at Maggie, who jumps up and

from now on?

IKE

(sarcastically)

(chuckles as he sits)

Thats not nothing to do with it. You

MAGGIE

Excuse me?

comes off in his hands. Maggie disappears down the steps of the

is cooking an elaborate breakfast. Ellie rushes around getting

Fish.

No.

rises from his chair and primps the end of his hair as if giving

Ike gets up and moves to the dart board. He removes the darts.

church steps.

LOU TROUT

Anothers become a priest. Ones a

BOB (contd)

MAN

on purpose. And I have no intention of

INT. MAGGIES WORKROOM/GYM - DAY

think shes still gonna run?

Someone reliable, Im sure. A booze-

In the tradition that has grown through

switches off the music and proceeds like a proud coach to be the

sign glows and the lights from the outer house twinkle.

INT. GILLS GARAGE - DAY

today.

the leper colony in Molokai?

CUT TO:

(turning toward her)

Actually...

Where?

you. You probably got severance or

BOB

IKE (contd)

(as he gets up)

Just like now. You are the most lost

A buzz.

(looking worried)

(then to Maggie)

Maggie gives Ike a smile that lights up the sky. They go inside.

MAGGIE

that the drum set was a blood-sucking

IKE

GILL

half full king of guy.

hour, but being around in the beginning

Fine. You wash, Ill ask the

MAGGIE

and kiss.

and forth as she rings the bell.

sitting on a bench.

Quick. Very quick.

I think you could probably sell this

(to Ike)

MAGGIE

MAGGIE (contd)

you -- you knew the real me.

The aisle stretches before her into infinity. Faces goggle at

MRS. PRESSMAN

holding Italics, the cat.

Maggie. Some of the children are

IKE

"... And in Hale, Maryland where she

POLLY

(then to the girl)

MAGGIE (contd)

Ike stares off down the road. Maggie indicates a building in

ANGLE ON:

where you parked your car.

getting up from his stool without stopping his enthusiastic

She performed the travesty seven or

Maggie looks at Ike, wondrous, confused.

divorce written all over you.

MAGGIE

Grandma made me the cutest outfit. I

(as he pays)

IKE

account book out. Her voice trails off as she sees the dour

Ike smiles at Maggie enigmatically as he picks up his order and

nefarious exits than that. At least

MAGGIE

Its a Fall after-noon. A SUDDEN POUNDING OF GALLOPING HOOVES

MAGGIE

This is good, Dad, dont leave anything

(taking off his jacket)

I want to run an idea past you.

about this --

read you a poem. You want a man to

EXT. FISHER AND ELLIES BUILDING - THE NEXT DAY

Sure I do. But the bet defense is a

And end up in the papers? Ive been

You want a guy who will take you into a

I think I do understand. So my not

MAGGIE

The flower girl sees Maggie and runs and hides behind Polly.

Fisher gets and places a photo of the cat on a bookshelf on his

DENNIS

No. I think I said something eloquent

Maggie looks at Brian. Suddenly, she remembers too.

Peggy looks like she is going to cry with sympathy for Maggie.

close to Maggie.

He wanted to know how you used to like

It was classic.

I have one thousand dollars.

FISHER (contd)

MAGGIE

"Today is a day of profound

right? All were doing is turning

MAGGIE

CUT TO:

(relieved)

We follow MAGGIE down the back stairs inside The Hale Hardware

Should I be writing this down?

youre always making jokes about her,

Hi, Im Elaine from New York.

(seeing the

an hour and twenty-seven minutes and

ANGLE ON:

MAGGIE

ten minutes.

(amazed)

BOB

Ike stares out at water as he walks.

(reads)

Establishing shot. Two MEN try to fix the engine of a taxi

Bob grabs Maggie around the waist and smooches her adoringly.

not be Hales longest running joke, but

"... The cheerleader, the coed, and the

After they rub Maggies ears a bit:

INT. MAGGIES WORKSHOP/HOME - DAY

headdress.

IKE (contd)

Its okay. Theres no microphone.

ANGLE ON DESK AREA:

town in Maryland, a sleepy little

Yep. Maggie -- Someone to see you.

steps. He charges up the stairs and grabs Lee.

What an incredible chauvinistic

romantic, sexy. Maggie and Ike can be seen in the reflection.

To Maggies satisfaction, Ike shoots Bob a look of begrudging

staring. I would like to get married

Peggy Phleming. Not the ice skater.

BARTENDER

Maggie shoots Ike an accusing look, walks up to him in the

about to throw off the covers when Maggies voice breaks the

MAN (contd)

Amazing. Found industrial stuff.

me what to do.

You really want to let that man drag

MAGGIE (contd)

print that hurt our feelings, like that

A spectacular dress fills the small window. Its beautiful,

the bathroom. He goes over to the door and tries the handle.

public arena.

(after sitting)

ANGLE ON:

WOMAN

longer be appearing in this paper.

the ceiling in the car. She grabs the photo from Ike and exits.

IKE (contd)

pronounce you man and wife. Kiss the

in front of the hotel. LEE AND CORY CHUFFA: About where Peggy

GILL

So, well...

EXT. IKES APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

MAGGIE

from a big man like you". Very hard

I dont mean it.

wall. He leans into the picture and whispers.

FISHER

ANGLE ON:

PEGGY (contd)

You have one?

IKE

IKE

turns on some music. The cat is sitting by the radio. He

Youre all ready for football season,

Wait. Dont tell me. The scoreboard

It reads: "SHOWS NO REMORSE".

bar, greets Ike.

a kiss you only get once in your life.

Got any last minute advice?

close, he slurs.

MAGGIE (V.O.; contd)

Ill kill you.

An uncomfortable silent pause. Ike breaks the moment.

times. I guarantee that at some point

Maggie.

HULA DANCERS through barn slats.

then she gets down on one knee.

MAGGIE

picks up the phone.

bride from Ike coldly.

No. No, you didnt.

A pair of expressive pantomime "A Little Grass Shack".

IKE

Yes. My husband and I love luaus.

Ike and Maggie have fun playing cards. The game is slapjack.

IKE

A pre-wedding luau?

and beckons her to a copy of Ikes column affixed to a mirror.

Why dont you let him sleep it off in

BARTENDER

(into phone)

like, "So, uh -- maybe we should, ya

Hes a nice looking and gentle man. They regard each other for a

Cindy and Peggy enter with the confident air of people who have

Lets see... Excuse me, isnt that cute?

cant believe how much cake we were

ELLIE

CINDY

(without difficulty)

have inclosed a list of the gross

PETE, wearing a hat, comes in the front door of the salon.

and starts throwing darts.

Hey, kid, Ill give you ten bucks for

Hes here!... Hes here!

Ike touches her hand to examine the ring more closely. Her

They look at each other for a moment, then:

really, that weve been able to plan,

CUT TO:

because many predict that this girl is

Im just bragging about how great you

save the battery... Theres one thing

Okay, Im the pastor. Dearly beloved,

the bathroom, and shuts and locks the door. Just as Ike enters,

the shop used to wash and dye hair. Theres a sink, stool and a

Well, Im off. A reporters work is

MAGGIE

BRIAN

Ellie kisses him on the cheek and walks away.

BOB

Thank you.

MAGGIE (V.O.; contd)

And the wedding date. Theres the two

So? I never returned your calls, even

With the priest, you liked them

your "Runaway Bride" T-shirts here...

Id rather not.

unsteadily, lifting his pineapple.

PEGGY

(then, sitting)

Ike turns and goes to her.

letter "V".

".... AKA, the Runaway Bride."

(reading letter)

ANGLE ON: Ike. His conflicted feelings are apparent. With

Not the world. Just Africa and China.

IKE

EXT. TROUTS BARN - NIGHT

Maggie moves the lever on the wall again, sending Ike back up to

arm.

leaving until you do.

sixteenths.

INT. BEAUTY SALON - NIGHT DAY

face. Her face.

FALAFEL VENDOR. THE CAMERA PANS to a USA Today Truck.

She likes to dump grooms right at the

Cover me.

(into phone)

... Irate? Livid? Hows that?

Ike. Need help?

Kevin, the Bartender, stands on the bar reading the same

wont. He says shes so famous now,

interesting bedtime reading -- if you

MAGGIE

whisk you out of here if she runs.

reporters are interviewing, a GERMAN LADY, BUTCH KENAN, a

Obviously, Im not the only one who

Visualize! Visualize! Its game time.

(enthusiastically)

MAGGIE

"BRIDE TAKE RIDE"

Ike moves to the Bartender and pays him.

Why?

little wild, a little goofy. Some guests (Bob, Cindy, Cory, Lee

Its pretty much all been covered.

Mrs. Trout starts picking lint off Fishers jacket.

Everybody dances.

into the foyer to get ready. Cindy sits with Ted at the organ.

Or does she pick "NGBS" -- "Nice Guys,

Everest.

the field with both Ike and Bob on top of it. Ike is munching on

DENNIS

Maggie stays amused.

IKE

Grandma cuts the thread and separates the veil from Ikes sleeve.

counter, and hitting the floor, with a THUD. Bob looks down at

Oh, yeah. Scared the hell out of

WALTER

egg whites only, thank you very much.

I had it under control. Now they feel

Could your confess to Father Patrick

my heart -- youre the only one for me".

that.

She swallowed her gun.

Peggy hands him his jacket.

IKE

my time?

Kind of isolated.

He pulls out the cassette from its case. Its broken. The tape

would play his heart out.

MAGGIE

Bob goes to Maggie and walks behind her.

They all squeeze and peer out window. They scream in excitement.

MAGGIE AND IKE

PEGGY

mistresses. He wanted me to be a

The rider is a bride -- a beautiful woman dressed in a

on. Maggie clings to the reins. She looks as though she is

Mrs. Pressman stands, shooting Ike with her video camera.

Reporter?

your wife to marry you?

making a speech welcoming the press to Maryland. A large GROUP

INT. HARDWARE STORE - CONTINUOUS

Youre very mysterious!

crosses to hang his coat in the closet. In the closet mirror, he

Cory and me or even that youre

Okay, you were right. I hated my

This is good. It is a good story,

Maggie talks to Peggy, Cindy and Grandma Julia. Grandma Julia

No, Im sure he doesnt.

way to the other side of the room.

irreversibly screwed up. Despite that,

shows Maggie some passages from his favorite books. Hes

IKE

breaks the peace and... A HORSE and RIDER burst between the rows

getting it all wrong. That wont

I dont know, Ellie -- Firing me is

Ike works his way down the hall to the editors office. CHUFFA

Ike steps up and stands next to Fisher.

and with a first person interview, you

she spins)

article on limousines. What would you

(delicate)

Splendid dissection of Maggie Carpenter,

eight times. Right at the altar she

CLOSE ON:

near the staircase to cut her off. He grabs her veil and it

(emotional)

INT. LOBBY/ATLANTIC HOTEL - DAY

IKE

a dirt bike. She jumps on and turns and waves as she rides

Bob takes out a notepad and hands it to Maggie.

EXT. MAGGIES HOUSE - NIGHT

turns around and runs like hell.

thats the types of relationship you

Ill give you a toast. To Maggies

Elaine at her desk reads aloud to herself.

your noses to rubbed in all of your

Ike winces.

IKE

(pleading)

INT. IKES HOTEL ROOM/INT. FISHER AND ELLIES BEDROOM (NYC)

You here on business? I saw your lamps.

IKE

EXT. LARGE GREEN FIELD - DAY

Excuse me. I was thinking of doing an

IKE

MRS. TROUT

Thats right. Youre so lost you dont

In front of beauty salon, Maggie follows Ike out.

Bob turns and leaves, going down a side staircase.

A harmless joke.

shampoos and hair dyes. Maggie gets an idea. Maggie and Peggy

There he is. Snoop Doggy-Dogg.

to read. Ike picks it up and skims the letter. His face is as

Maggie move to TV. She picks up Ikes stolen post-it notes and

... Dont show him that picture of me

wedding car -- a 63 Buick.

whos ben making my life a living hell

Maggie stares at Ike for a beat. His words have taken a little

the wedding? Shes already done this.

steal third.

"Sink the putt."

You want me to do it on spec?!

MRS. PRESSMAN

But Maggies whoop sails out above it all. Cory waves. But not

Drive! Drive! From your hips, get low,

kiss that changes everything and can never be taken back. It is

Wow. That only took us between years

Oh, Ill play it for you.

(to Fisher)

"I suppose Mr. Graham was too busy

She becomes what she thinks they wanted

MRS. WHITTENMEYER

MAGGIE

Bob, Im sorry!

Come here, Mag, and try this on.

(to Ike)

Maintain eye contact.

the altar...

(picks up another)

snakes. Ive never even seen a snake.

Fisher, dont forget the fortune

Maggie and Ike ride along.

But the most interesting thing here is

stole from Ikes room. We see as she reads them: "Father, two-

family and friends. May you find

Neither one can believe what theyre reading.

Good night.

I know. Gene Tunney.

"Gill Chavez Wedding". He hits the fast-forward button

"... She is known as Miss Maggie

lot of attention from his CO-WORKERS. Ike seems a little

know.

EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - DAY

MRS. TROUT

The family dog, Skipper, steals food from the table. Walter

MRS. TROUT

Theres a man coming down those steps

MAGGIE

when we were married. And whats

Maggie takes a plate and exits.

Bob has no answer. He reaches a hand down. He yelps as Maggie

walks to the living room.

PEGGY

Ikes car drives into Hale, passing a billboard reading,

Maybe its just me, but -- if you got

doing it since I was a kid. I dont

pretty cranky when we see things in

occasionally with one eye.

For what reason? Some personal

growling)

Whered you get this done?

MRS. PRESSMAN

(crosses to him)

CUT TO:

George exits.

Maggie looks ready to cry.

MAGGIE

You actually could make breaking and

GRANDMA JULIA

IKE

forward or back, but the electricity is obvious.

of music did you like... Did you ruin

As the truck rounds the bend in the road and disappears, Ike

to selling his shirts.

IKE

a Manhattan busy day. It is big, loud, and anonymous.

the shop owner. Hes starting to see that its no always easy

MAGGIE

Bob rushes after Maggie.

MAGGIE

startled out of their kiss. They pull apart and smile at each

was....

he sniffs and looks around the room, instantly knowing something

Yeah, we need a half and nine-

Maggie smiles cheerfully at Ike from the foot of the bed. He

IKE

are two different things.

newsstand, hes our local bookie, you

(as she exits)

Thats what he says, but if he thinks

cab, we walk.

youll say. Am I right?

BRIAN

She starts throwing darts.

his bar stool. Ike grabs the womans magazine that she left on

Listen: "Dear Ms. Carpenter, I

anger. The REPORTERS swarm around him as he gets out of the car.

IKE

I hope youll be very happy together.

Ike. Mrs. Trout approaches Ike.

CUT TO:

MAGGIE

He enters the newspaper building, going to Ellies office.

IKE (contd)

Order out like a Philistine, when you

MAGGIE

MAGGIE (contd)

guess what?

the road. The car backfires and smokes.

IKE

GEORGE

Oh, wait, my purse.

MAGGIE

Why not just consider my wrist slapped

His cat sits on the windowsill.

IKE

He now walks down the charming main artery of the town, looking

Bob is halfway down the walk. Maggie appears at the church door

MR. PAXTON

Maggie stops ringing the bell and pulls herself together. She

She moves to the confessional, knocks, then speaks to Mrs. Murphy.

JACKI/REPORTER #3 (WBOC TV16)

to Ike, moving him

GRANDMA JULIA

Insert on a cappuccino machine. We PULL BACK and see Maggie and

(after no response)

CUT TO:

IKE (o.s.)

Are you all right with this?

(beat)

Cory turns to the stands and waves.

Thats Maggies seat...

(impatient)

What? You talked to him! Did you tell

more in the back.

Shes twirling another body on the

Hey, Fisher, pick up. I have some

after her. Mrs. Pressman and Walter exchange bet money.

CLOSE ON:

stares closely. The groom is George from the bar.

on the lake and gave me the ring in a

(yell)

MRS. PRESSMAN

Pardon the mess. I havent cleaned

order.

MAGGIE

MAGGIE (contd)

feelings, maybe its time to move on

and Bolts" in another newspaper.

Gill? Lydia? Gill?

I just cant see her leaving multiple

Oh, I will.

Ellies on the phone. Fisher sits nearby.

the shop owner. Also, the girls MOTHER is there watching.

Theyre ready, Maggie.

village, within that a hardware store...

Ikes talking on the phone to his friends machine again.

DISSOLVE TO:

MAGGIE

men.

BOB

(quickly)

Still sweet.

your hat.

(sighs)

IKE

Look, Aunt Bea, were buying this

MAGGIE

IKE

INT. MAGGIES HOUSE - NIGHT

Kevin, the bartender, reads Jays column, in the USA Today

three in the morning at a tick hunt.

... At an Orioles game.

Betty Trout. Five dollars.

past the church.

sees and is stunned to find: MAGGIE, sitting on the couch

Maggie.

to make the hundred-yard dash.

you up Annapuma on your honeymoon? You

Tell me. When you get to the altar,

MAGGIE

MAGGIE

Im the towns unofficial fitness

one of them a Pulitzer.

musician. 0 for two. But at least

Brian -- Ive got to go. The mans a

one that serves it up.

He starts drinking it. ON THE FIELD, Cory is getting ready to

pastor.

IKE

Excellent.

He spots a RICH LADY with tons of diamonds getting out of a

CUT TO:

CUT TO:

MAGGIE (contd)

the diner. She gets a bag from inside the cab of her truck and

Hey, Ike, when are you going to put me

It doesnt make me a bad person.

MAGGIE

(holding her

wake you up at dawn because hes

who are standing here this morning.

Cindy joins them.

Look, hes running after her.

(after a beat)

good co九_九_藏_書ndition. Where did you find

No you dont. You want a man who will

She points to the dress. She smiles back to Mrs. Whittenmeyer,

that geese thing. I think the "V" was

Maggie looks back once, tearful and regretful, and disappears

flirtation energy and it just lands on

IKE

PEGGY

Besides, Im a columnist. This is what

INT. NEW YORK BAR - DAY

Maggies letter.

(irritably)

IKE

sugar and water is going to turn like

expression on the faces of her friends.

(heartfelt)

CUT TO:

Wedding. Wedding.

ON IKESTV

Ahh.

PEGGY

IKE

INT. ELLIES OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

bar and one for your brother.

Give me a pen.

Youve been here for three minutes.

(sarcastically)

Maggie flies toward a FedEx truck at next house just leaving.

go down the aisle with somebody you

Hmmm... Figuring out what kind of music

that way.

EXT. SOFTBALL FIELD - LATER THAT DAY

ANGLE ON:

Fisher claps his hands and calls the models to attention. Then

MAGGIE (contd)

bringing the wine to the luau. Thanks.

Here. She may need this. Its not

Ike stops the car where it is and jumps out, slamming the door in

MAGGIE

pantheon: I would like to nominate for

PEGGY

the most boisterous.

IKE

The names Maggie. It wasnt this side

Eye contact. Eye contact.

tie-dye t-shirt stand at a Dead concert.

Ike sits with a towel over his head as Peggy blow-dries the back

BOB

MAGGIE

was exactly what he wanted. So it was

Freeze. Hold on to those covers -- I

here for vindication. In my heart...

Maggie!

MAGGIE

Only respectful things. What did we

How do I do it? Im not that beautiful.

PEGGY

IKE

Go!

ridiculous question. The rest werent

and hear them each say "I do". They kiss a twirling, whirling

MAGGIE

The anatomy of the black widow spider

IKE (contd)

the dress and looking unbelievably gorgeous. She is overwhelming

Poor Ike.

Youre sweet, Dennis. But youve got

(still inside

rubs her shoulders.

(half to herself)

beacon a long way off.

She nearly kneels over.

Thank you, Dad.

Maggie raises her eyes and sees Ike in front of her as groom.

seen something like this before. Maggies wild ride away from

expenses or both. Ill take your check.

feet. Ike straightens up. For a moment, he is thrown by her

Would it?

IKE

PEGGY

IKE

into one of those "sources say" things.

old grooms. They are all paired in twos, like a love Noahs ark.

this head stuff. Visualize the end

EXT. ROAD - LATE DUSK TO NIGHT

fiancee.

Maggies family, Mrs. Trout and people weve already met, and

Overpriced nice apartment and Chinese

designed, then on again. She turns off the other lamp on the

They stop walking.

anything male that moves.

the rice hits the ground"

job.

Ike approaches the window of the bar. Theres a DRUNK MAN and a

IKE

PEGGY

IKE

But Ill get my normal fee, right?

INT. MAGGIES WORKOUT ROOM/GYM - NIGHT

Or a vegetarian?

POLLY

Look.

on the counter. All sizes and colors, some attached to brides,

And I land on the goal line.

Its locked. He starts to pound on the door.

He walks away from the t-shirt table towards the bar. The

school football team, popping up from a low position near the

Its a joke. Theyre kidding.

MAGGIE

Maggie walking.

(into phone)

action, charging after her.

even know how you like your eggs.

Ike, how is the story coming? Is she a

and goes and stands near the dugout near the rest of Corys team.

IKE

running shoes to you.

BOB

fired... Look! Corys going for

(breaking the

CUT TO:

GEORGE

Maggie swivels his chair so that Ike faces the mirror. Ike

Fisher leaves and we hold a USA Today sign.

Just a second.

IKE

Thats last minute man.

shes afraid of the wedding night.

definitely not Bob.

Does it matter?

Then, Ike comes up behind her as she discards another groom.

start of the wedding by knocking on the door.

does, a middle-aged Black WOMAN walks by and whacks him with a

He tripped on his shoelaces.

They both nod and sit there smiling, sort of. The organist, Ted,

She stops walking and turns to Ike.

is usually reserved for royalty or

Maybe she hasnt read the paper...

EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY - ESTABLISHING SHOT

on the floor next to Peggys salon chair, fixing the base of a

question here. Ive been having -- bad

this?

college.

IKE

PEGGY

Youll never guess who came crawling

IKE

is doing. Its the theme of this party.

myself on that point.

Or the sexual habits of locusts?

(throwing darts hard)

Wedding bells are ringing for the

It looks like a Hawaiian high school gym on prom night.

He moves to the kitchen.

IKE

MAGGIE

BOB

No -- the Bobsters eyes are closer set.

-- Tell me something, do you really

Bob gives Maggie a big hug.

MRS. TROUT

God... Of course. Im sorry -- I mean,

Heres todays mantra: "Its an open

VOICE startles her.

Maggie smiles up at him. Ike tips his head back and covers his

MAGGIE

Ike continues walking now in the full panic of writers block.

Ive witnessed far more treacherous and

Maggie sits on the railing, then Ike backs up and sits on the

As the hydraulic lift slows, the car is lowered, revealing Ike

responding to your baiting me will

You must be that Mr. Graham fellow.

(eyeing his loafers)

MAGGIE

Im sorry, Bob. She kissed me back.

Ellie hands Ike Maggies list.

Remember one time we had a flat tire...

FISHER

MAGGIE

Stop it. When you talk like that, I

So, you think... maybe... You have to

IKE

Right, Maggie? Focus on Maggie. Focus

(firmly)

EXT. HOTEL PORCH - NEXT DAY, SATURDAY MORNING

This is getting serious.

A little longer for me.

Maggie looks at the stricken face of her friends.

IKE (contd)

Ike chooses his words carefully.

We hear Hawaiian music. We see a truck with GUESTS drive up and

have in common back then... What kind

BARTENDER

PEGGY

On the first date.

Missed me bad, huh?

EXT. TROUTS BARN - THE NEXT NIGHT

This is not a good sign.

IKE

Bob, Walter, and Maggies GRANDMOTHER JULIA sit in the living

No, Im not afraid. Just... Maybe

is going to marry Maggie some day and shows Ike where Maggie is

already met.

virgin, the whore, the crone; theyre

GRANDMA JULIA (V.O.)

with umbrellas. Plastic leis abound and most people have

(eyes on Maggie)

I think I am.

Of course we are. Of course.

INT. ATLANTIC HOTEL - NIGHT

Okay, hes on base. Can we talk about

BOB (contd)

FADE IN

(pulling up a chair

thoughts. I mean, really bad thoughts

Ah, beautiful.

MAGGIE

Not as private as I thought.

door, racing after Bob at a full sprint.

heads for the door.

wanting to interview Maggie.

As George pauses in the doorway, Ike holds up his tape recorder.

I have a story to tell that could win

Ike, I really liked the Runaway Bride

(to Fisher; into phone)

IKE

Team effort, Pastor Ike... Cindy, ready?

leaves quite a wake... Excuse me.

the wedding to run.

Hello. Im Fisher.

I didnt want to find out I wasnt for

zone, if you catch my drift.

WALTER

JULIE MURPHY (Channel 6)

BRIAN

And you are?

down at the record in his hand. Somehow it makes him sad.

IKE

It was in the attic. It was jus

body combining for success. You could

was a stick-on.

with your life and commit to someone of

MAGGIE

VARSITY FOOTBALL PLAYERS ram into the sled and drive it across

over their heads to the back fence.

He walks away.

INT. NEW YORK BAR - DAY

Armani wire rims, Donna Karan bodysuits. Theres a lot of

trampoline. We can see her tattoo. She jumps on the trampoline,

Ike leans and rests his head on the sink. Peggy bends over him

Maggie lets herself in the modest room and turns on the lights

Good one! Thanks.

I dont know yet. Im kind of a last-

The horse is frothing and wild-eyed, like the bride, who turns

Trout announces. Hula dancers stop.

Ellie. Ellie stares back at her until she leaves. Ike walks

Ike quietly sits in bed writing and staring into space thinking.

In another one...

He puts his finger in the wrong hole of the machine.

father -- dead drunk.

actually shooting the camera, but rather supervising it.

comes to beauty parlor called "Curl Up and Dye". The place is

Hey. Grandma, whats for lunch?

the living room from the balcony.

(as she takes post-its)

doesnt bounce. He sits on the steps of the patio an stares.

her shoulder bag.

IKE (V.O.)

Yeah.

Im glad its you.

You dont know.

Ike pulls the cloth down from over his face.

That was funny.

MAGGIE

INT. HALE METHODIST CHURCH - NIGHT

You afraid to try?

moment to tell me this is fake.

doubled over on a childs chair. Peggy moves from the window to

It wouldnt be a bad way to get you

CUT TO:

MAGGIE

An OLDER WOMAN asks him if he plays bridge as he goes up the

know, hes giving eight to one odds she

newspaper. Ike is stunned as she walks off. He turns to a MAN

EXT. IKES APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING SHOT

wouldnt attempt the impossible.

IKE

IKE (contd)

... Or... furious.

coloring products. Maggie helps.

IKE

May the back of the dress be as pretty

guys life, career, everything. On the

MAGGIE

more, are here, milling around wit tropical drinks garnished

galloping off with the bride. Ike FREEZE FRAMES the tape on an

"I guarantee that well have tough

Theyre like Frankenstein monsters, but

calm down, you wont get your dress on...

She turns off the radio and begins to type her letter.

IKE (V.O.)

huh? Well, it was very nice to meet

IKE

Ike walks back to Maggie.

She gives her bouquet to a little GIRL as she goes by. Ike comes

MAGGIE (o.s.)

in a long dress and heels. Maggie may

writes has got to have a happy ending,

I didnt drag.

MAGGIE

Hey -- I found it!

See, this is a mature relationship.

tavern he talked to bartender at.

I merely write the stuff. Youre the

how to do is hail a cab. If theres no

think shes going to make it all the

Ike turns and walks down the street, talking into cell phone.

Ike looks into Maggies shining face and pauses. He gets up and

Suddenly, Peggy stands, pushes past him and runs down the steps.

Nothing like sharing your nuptial bed

get turned on and it frightens me.

amongst trees, "nuzzling". Ike reads as he pushes Maggie in a

IKE

Completely.

MAGGIE

The football players move away from the sled. Bob moves to

MAGGIE

Yes, I think I nailed the personality

BOB (contd)

my life when you left me standing at

know. Not seven like they said.

Cindy, the manicurist, does Mrs. Pressmans nails. Maggie sits

Weird dreams? Youre going to tell me

We have the crescendo that leads to us

PEGGY

George heads out.

Ike rides sadly on the back of a forklift, gets off and walks

You have to go down an aisle and say "I

But Ike is too busy maintaining eye contact. His eyes urge

he goes onto the stage and sets the models in their positions.

... I hate big weddings with everybody

PEGGY

I hope you have a different angle.

necks. Its all very "Night of the

MAGGIE

and call me when you feel Ive served

Ike looks between Cory, Maggie and finally, Peggy. Peggy jerks

counter and exits. We hold on Maggies designed lamp.

me run! Why? Because youre a cynical,

Shes the boss.

You must be very proud.

dollars.

They play ping-pong. They laugh, enjoying the moment.

Thats okay. Theres a lid for every

Gonna bust out of another wedding?

You know, I was just thinking about

taxies. A WOMAN smacks him with a newspaper. He passes a WOMAN

Ike notices Maggie is holding two coffees.

Maggie points diagonally across the field to where a gas station

closes the bathroom door. Ike is steaming. A BUMP sounds from

IKE

(turning to Maggie)

MRS. TROUT

Yes.

(taking a sip

Are you a reporter?

How about -- "I hope youll be very

Pretty good speech, Maggie.

Let me have the garden omelette. Egg

GRANDMA JULIA

Ike hands Peggy his jacket. A mystified Peggy leads Ike to the

Whoa, Ike. Getting a complex, buddy?

GILL (contd)

often mistaken for rightness.

Cindy. Maggies unmarried cousin.

Walter cracks up.

"And her ritual feast continues as she

MAGGIE

to face Ike. They are both beet red, stammering and unable to

Maggie screams as the boys push her down the football field.

(impressed)

For a thousand bucks.

Vindication. How would you like to get

Like a bucket of water thrown on two dogs, Ike and Maggie are

thirty tomorrow.

No, no -- dont hide your face, this

of his drink)

INT. CHURCH FOYER - CONTINUING

Her foot inches forward. The other follows.

being Maggie. Theres a tremor in her voice.

IKE

IKE

you can believe that...

No, you dont understand.

Maggie is kickboxing.

Of course.

"JOURNALIST WRITTEN OFF"

You dont understand this guy.

Right.

Bob kisses and embraces Maggie. She doesnt see Ike immediately,

IKE

is Hale, Marylands special star and

Im a journalist and we all know

MAGGIE

not that shes afraid of the wedding,

difficulty, Maggie straightens up and they both quickly remove

(softly)

there?

INT. IKES APARTMENT - DUSK

STOP!

about them?

heartbroken.

done this before. They make it to the head of the aisle all too

Call me crazy, but I believe that check

MRS. TROUT

MRS. TROUT

(then)

turns away and look out over the guests.

ANGLE ON POLLY AND MRS. WHITTENMEYER:

GRANDMA JULIA

INT. BEAUTY PARLOR - DAY

INT. MAGGIES HOUSE - DAY

IKE

A BARBERSHOP QUARTET is singing in front of the only hotel in

Store, the prettiest, most welcoming shop of its kind anywhere

Is this dress for sale?

MAGGIE

Maggies the nicest person youll ever

ANGLE ON: MAGGIES CAR parked a few cars down. He pulls over

aloud, paying no mind to Bob, who is sticking her arms through

No, I couldnt fix anything...

MAGGIE

What happened at the luau?

IKE

what happened? Did I just not see

ideas for your column from life. You

managed to find their old Hawaiian shirts.

look at each other, trying to act normal.

EXT. ANOTHER NEW YORK STREET - DAY

BOB

No. No -- Actually, lets make Ike the

WALTER AND MAGGIE

I like those grapes.

EXT. IKES CAR - COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT

MRS. PRESSMAN

The hydraulic lift stops moving. Ike leans out.

Youve got to be kidding me.

charm, and possibility. Maggie comes down steps with a faucet

sell wedding dresses.

Hey, Bob. I got twenty dollars bet on--

Mrs. Trout hands Ike his items and he pays.

PEGGY

the shop.

Ive seen much worse.

Ike standing at her work table. An automatic cappuccino maker

The Woman goes to her bar stool, gathering her bag and leaves a

Ike wipes the smirk off his face. Like Maggies other men, this

How could I be angry at you when

INT. IKES HOTEL ROOM - DAY

MRS. PRESSMAN

CINDY

Ike listens intently and stares steadily into her eyes. Peggy

Maggies having trouble keeping him steady as she opens the car

IKE (contd)

WALTER

one-eyed snake".

drive in a limo?

We do it to our dog.

stairs to his room.

PASSERSBY stare at Ikes hair and giggle.

(excited)

sitting.

MAGGIE

MAGGIE

IKE

Ike walks off. They stare at him as he goes.

INT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - ANOTHER DAY

(beat)

out of there before the race... before

FADE IN:

BRIAN

Well, you do have the dress.

Maggie rounds the bend, another customer, EARL, stands by the

Ike looks at her again.

Dennis exits. Maggie is alone. She turns out the lamp she

Dont look so surprised, youve got

No, Im paying for the dress. Do you

Maggie slams the food closed.

Right guard.

Ill put in a good word for you.

IKE

IKE

Ellie whispers in his ear.

If I ride off into the sunset, I want

you tickle him, hell give candy.

CUT TO:

PRIEST

Maggie looks up just in time to catch Peggys exit. Ike pulls

(defensive)

IKE

returns to the balcony and takes Maggies hand.

Im not running.

IKE (V.O.)

clipping and all becomes clear. He picks up the article and

Tootaloo.

MAGGIE

wouldnt understand.

reporting. Which is understandable,

do". You have to get married.

You stand here and be me so she knows

then:

made between 1924 and 1938. In other

embarrassing, deviously plotting,

MAGGIE

Ike grins and shows Maggie the notes in his pocket.

swings back and forth in the foyer doorway.

If you could have a seat, please.

not mine. Did you get the

EXT. MAIN STREET/HALE - NIGHT (1-5 MONTHS LATER)

MRS. TROUT

Ike sips his drink before answering.

worshipfully cradling a CASSETTE TAPE in his hands.

you canned.

Yup!

ANGLE ON:

Various newspaper WORKERS also read Jays column in the USA

and bag.

MAGGIE

MAN

(casual)

Ike checks on the tapes.

flurry of white, she is halfway down the aisle before Ike knows

sucks.

back to them. The two women sit back down and Maggie takes back

IKE (V.O.)

INT. IKES HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

PEGGY

They stumble and lurch, exiting the bar toward Maggies car.

(checking pack)

into it.

IKE (contd)

Ike cant believe it.

I didnt expect pink and lacy, but this

for you.

"Gill", and "Bob". Maggie smiles and shakes her head. She rips

stops and stares alone after the disappearing truck. A swarm of

(thinks a beat)

step forward toward Ike.

BOB

You know, theres no...

(sits on the arm

WALTER

PEGGY

But I still ended up chasing a truck.

IKE

Bite me, paper boy.

Cindy, Cory, Peggy and Meredith also rush out of the church and

down and away. Fisher gets on his cell phone. Ike charges from

(holding Maggies face)

MAGGIE

INT./EXT. BEAUTY PARLOR / HALE, MARYLAND - DAY

Peggy sits in the salon chair next to Maggie.

Yeah, I caught that. Want to tell me

Ike sits as Ellie puts the letter down and takes off her glasses.

Despite what you think, I dont do it

IKE

she castigated you in private.

No, no.

All the guests stand as Maggie enter the chapel smiling.

Youre coming here?

brushes rotate.

Ike is restless. He stands up.

Fisher hands a file to Elaine.

You were not.

Today entitled "Maggie Mad Dash" and "Hardware Honey Goes Nuts

wrecks.

we country girls know how to do is cut

I was, because if you said "yes" right

We think so.

trees.

same team now. Any more fighting and

(reads)

(sarcastic)

passing the upscale "Millennium Hardware Store". He glances at

thought of a ritual sacrifice that would

Te Man sits at the bar near to the Bartender.

MAGGIE

The older one, Mrs. Pressman, listens with a pained expression

Bobs in a hurry.

Hello. Im Bob, Maggies fourth

She gets off her knees and stands.

IKE

questions. Another camera flashes and we cut to:

All right, I know youre in there...

handle and goes to an elderly customer, MR. PAXTON.

Im not here to make you feel bad. Im

She moves from the fireplace to a chair and sits.

Bob lets go and Maggie FALLS BACKWARD, disappearing behind the

him the special treatment that

Ike looks at her. Apparently the word "mad" is an understatement.

Ike, in beautiful wedding attire. We see Maggie walk down a

that I dont realize hes writing

church. Ike snaps.

Netta. Your teas getting cold.

IKE

be running because she gets attention...

EXT. IKES APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Like a moth to a flame.

Best of luck in you upcoming marriage!"

Unbelievable, she got to you.

MAGGIE

off...?

(furious)

You bet ya, Coach.

On anything male that moves? As

booze that nobody drank.

like it. Stop. You may not like

I love you, Homer Eisenhower Graham.

bit of her breath away. She covers.

Ike Graham is here!

(tenderly)

outside the restaurant.

EXT. HALE MAIN STREET - DAY

(handing him the

(steps to Mrs. Pressman)

Maggie walks away. Ike walks a few steps and stops at a KID on

BOB

going to be hard to get over. There

Hi, Dennis.

(coaxing)

He stares at her for a beat, stung by her words.

Yeah... Oh, Jay... Okay... Bye.

squirt gun filled with India ink.

GILL

GRANDMA JULIA

PEGGY

Mrs. Pressman and the Trouts watch. Mrs. Trout picks lint off of

Ike drives up and parks in front of the hotel as he talks on his

wedding day. The yard is crowded with a MIXTURE of Hells

IKE

With the bug guy, poached. Now its

Maggie nods,

was talk of a "now show", but he is

Its a thousand dollars!

fifty-two seconds. Hello?

afraid of you since you dragged that

next.

Ive decided to cooperate and let you

happiness, you might as well go back.

somebody...

Marry me, Maggie.

away. All the things unspoken are now communicated -- the love,

pulls him down on top of her, out of frame. We HEAR them giggle

And Ike?

Cindy, you better 86 Sprout. He seems

PEGGY and MRS. PRESSMAN exit the parlor and stroll down the

PEGGY

Peggy hops off the chair.

"MAG" is on them. He smiles and walks on.

Mrs. Whittenmeyer comes forward to greet Maggie.

loved it. And Im down here to satisfy

Now Maggie shows Ike the ring on her hand. Its a gold "#1" with

It is Maggies turn to enter. They all turn expectantly. Too

are alive and well? Te mother, the

Ike goes into Ellies office. Elaine picks up her phone.

INT. THE TROUT BAKERY - CONTINUOUS

a wash? You know, get all that city

IKE

youve seen me at my worst, most

MRS. WHITTENMEYER

one post-it down and reads it to herself.

Maggie in front of plates full of all sorts of types of eggs --

He makes the bride figure repeatedly knock the groom figure in

a chair, looking shell-shocked, surrounded by the post-its she

CONSTRUCTION WORKER

WALTER

entering into a new career.

MRS. TROUT

here.

former spouse.

Blathering fools.

INT. MAGGIES LIVING ROOM - A BIT LATER THAT DAY

Rub your ears.

Maggie looks gratefully at Ike.

Fisher? Come on -- I know youre

cant wait to show it to you.

FISHER

So? Is that what you said to her?

Well come back on the air when the

the hill. They are all Maggies family and friends, plus the

Ikes hammer flies out of his hand. He goes to pick it up.

Maggie exits her house, gets on her bike and rides off towards

Ike puts down his cup of coffee, gets his tape recorder and sits

please?

Hardware. Sign says: "At Curl. Be back soon."

... I dont even want to talk about

I suddenly forgot how to climb a fence.

Id love to stay and chat, but Ive got

Kevin, youve got some napkins?

how far shell have to go.

(then seeing a hanging rope)

MAGGIE (contd)

Will he really do that?

Id like it better on a scoreboard.

MR. WHITTENMEYER (contd)

Lets go.

the only one whos lost and you know it!

(into phone)

anything yourself! I read your column.

BOB

IKE

Ike is taken aback.

"But how can one blame me when every

school class. A lot of KIDS And TEACHERS are doing religious

(friendly)

story.

MAN

Me, either.

I see photos of a lot of dead writers

The phone rings as Fisher exits. Ike goes to the piano as Ellie

MAGGIE

GILL

(looking at Maggie

No, I dont think youre like, "Im

IKE

... Like such a lovely girl.

ELLIE

to be enjoying the petroleum

I think youre right.

introspection, I have been accused

MAGGIE

Talk to whoever you want. You might

MAGGIE

sleeping with his feet up. She knocks his feet off the counter.

chapel. Maggie has a moment alone. She looks at back door as

is four.

coffee table.

things has been restored on its quaint streets. Quartet sings

INT. USA TODAY OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY

IKE

Lionel, can I borrow some tools?

IKE

I take it the desk clerk is one of your

WALTER (contd)

So what do you think?

Sunday, and youre just trying to make

Thief!

Kamikaze!

Thats okay, Grandma.

I already explained about that.

see geese.

Maggie and Peggy, cheering loudly. Peggy tries to whoop harder

He picks up one of the many logos on the counter. Each boasts a

(walking past customer)

WALTER

This ones very popular, but oh, youve

Maggies showing Ike engagement rings.

GILL

judges the Hawaiian 九*九*藏*書dancing. The party is at full tilt -- a

Come on, itll give you a great view.

MAGGIE

fourth time today in Hale, Maryland.

What is he up to now?

My mother wanted me to become a

trust Maggie," "Bob" -- doesnt love him. Overwhelmed, she

their hands.

He was going with Maggie back then.

Peggy yells and jumps in.

Really?

You steal my research... Youre messing

I have nothing to hide, Mr. Graham.

BRIAN

Bye, Netta... Bye, Grandam.

PEGGY

(to Mrs. Trout)

No sauntering down the aisle. Just

"How does she get all these guys to

the groom.

IKE

IKE

(passing him

ANGLE ON BOB AND IKE

I think so.

the years, it is now Toast Time! First

Priest Brian hears about Maggies wedding.

MAGGIE

farm in St. Thomas. The ring was

Mrs. Pressman, thank you.

Skipper.

believe that a rural education is

pulling for you.

IKE

entrances. A PAPERBOY tosses a paper onto the lawn in front of

But then her feet gradually begin to slow.

... If he comes by here, dont talk to

TIME CUT:

Go talk to the pastor and hell tell

(pleasantly)

Only when the ideas arent flowing,

I dont know much about this kind of

PEGGY

Oh, come on. Youre practically family.

MAGGIE

BRIAN

What the hell were you doing?

but Ive got a column to go write.

Dont be nervous, Maggie. Let us

PEGGY

MAGGIE

Im not exactly having fun, either...

on the pews towards her as GUEST crowd the aisle, blocking his

What are you trying to say to me, Fish?

actually stumble upon a fact or two.

Hes not a nice person.

IKE

Is there anything I can do to make it

MAGGIE

You can turn that finger around.

I love eggs Benedict. I hate all the

Where do you think shes going?

him we dated before you were a priest?

IKE

Maggie as shes in the church kitchen and hops on counter and

MAGGIE

rose, and, Ill gladly hand it over.

Scowling, he writes out the check and hands it to her. Maggie

IKE

ELLIE is that editor. Stylish and successful looking, shes

MRS. PRESSMAN

Ike crosses a busy street where a MAN is being arrested. Ike is

Block the doors!

Peggy and Mrs. Pressman enter, worried.

Okay. So... what, uh... What just

down. They do.

joke anybodys ever played on me!

the portrait)

LOVE MONTAGE SHOTS:

severance pay.

IKE

"HARDWARE HONEY GOES NUTS AND BOLTS"

start the music up.

Do you think I flirt with Cory?

She climbs over the fence on her own and Ike follows. They see

IKE

was never her problem. Well be here,

Radio City Music Hall concert --

MAGGIE

(under her breath)

(protecting, taking

pocket.

man, check me out".

Maggie, looking around, discovers the wedding video on the

snaps a look to Bob, who follows her.

MAGGIE

Will you marry me?

dont even know what that means. Now

MAGGIE

We hear Grandma as through the hotel doors, we see Maggie exit

PEGGY

its actionable.

I think so... When I was walking down

ANGLE ON: Ike just entering the party. At least he tried.

Graham into something you want to take

We see the Carpenters backyard. It is Gill and Maggies

Thank you. You still think that he

MRS. TROUT

Lighten up, what?

She proceeds down the aisle. Bob behind her.

finishes reading the last note, leans back, puts her feet up on

MAGGIE

Maggie? You got it removed?

Maggie turns away from him as he dresses.

you just need an attic fan -- Theres

Ill have two of those delicious

Good morning to you, too. You look good.

other people down and-and-and laugh at

Grahams column on a platter. Yours

silence.

Graham, who is missing in action.

He closes the closet and crosses to his desk.

DINA NAPOLI (OF WBAL)

That your husband out there? Cory

ANGLE ON:

GILL (contd)

IKE

BOB

Oh, yes, you can. Shes has em all on

Maggie glances around and spots a DECK CHAIR, which she turns so

CINDY

Ellie blinks back sentimental tears.

from the car.

GRANDMA JULIA

splitting apart. And she bolts like a bat out of hell! In a

Its not anymore.

a blues band. Ike is not bad on slide guitar. They all like

(to Maggie)

Well, Im impressed. Absolutely

(sits)

column, but I can do this assignment.

Maggie enters the parlor to see Ike smiling evilly from his seat

helps run the family hardware store.

PEGGY

IKE

INT. FISHER AND ELLIES KITCHEN (NYC) - DAY

Imagine! Maggie Carpenter topless in a

of this thing. But I also guarantee

MAGGIE

MRS. MURPHY

Right, cover your ears, Netta. Its

across a field. Its quicker.

I like it.

See? You want custody of my job? ...

-- Its for you, Ike.

yard. Cory scores, greeted by Maggie. Ike and Peggy watch as

dreams.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

IKE

MAGGIE

may I ask you a favor, Maggie?

MAGGIE

The tape fast-forwards to the next wedding. Now Ike is looking

Im going to give you a chance to write

So am I.

MAGGIE (contd)

"MAG" is on the side. The machine shakes as it steams the

A goatee and horns, have been scrawled on Ikes byline picture.

Same as you said. What did you call

IKE (contd)

(no response)

He takes the boutonniere and puts it on Ikes lapel.

church basement. Ike fumble with the veil and jumps over the

PEGGY

tattoo?

Whats this?

Nice guys, but he just out of prison.

Maggie nods affirmatively.

lead you down the beach with his head

bulletin board. Post-it notes lay out the information he has

GEORGE

..."

tremulous steps slowly with her eyes closed, peeking

opens that window and starts to climb out.

exits a neighboring shop and walks down the block. He pauses in

Walter gets a bit laugh. He goes again.

make time. Lets just get there.

(admitting)

MAGGIE

ELAINE

IKE

MAGGIE

Walter laughs.

bliss.

doing it again.

Not eight...

(to Ike)

Maggie and Ike sit on the counter. Mrs. Pressman CHUFFS about

INT. USA TODAY OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

visualize. Remember what Bob said?

women... very often.

moments of my life. Cal Ripken even

GEORGE

tomorrow for the hinterlands, youll

you want to call it -- problems in the

his tape recorder out of his pocket and starts speaking into it.

something silly like accuracy in

BOB

Ike looks at Maggie. Hed bet a thousand bucks on what shed say

Ike leaves. Bob calls after him.

Ike and Maggie drive in Maggies truck. They pull up in front of

But the one you have on hold is lovely.

That-a-girl! You sacked him.

IKE

and making a "V"

Maggie lowers her voice, hoping to lessen the humiliation of the

She glows. Then the moment between them is broken as she

reads: "Hit and Run: Runaway Bride Strikes again". And we see

I think the most anybody can honestly

thing. Im from out of town. Youre a

Bob storms down the aisle and out of the church.

TIMES OUT:

about...

I lead Maggie through a visualization

He now sees the third wedding. Its outdoors, in a tree lined

I got "Bye-bye Birdie". "What part of

MAGGIE

stands on the table. Its base is made from a used paint mixing

Walter gestures to a pile of video cassettes on the bookcase.

IKE

pulls down the front of his t-shirt.

of Bobs chair and puts her arm on his shoulder.

"Anyway, Im just dropping you big city

part. And Ive been practicing it.

Innocent girls are terrified of "the

To their amazement, Maggie starts smiling.

entrance door.

follow me.

because of your column, thats negative

Shes been doing this since the last

with lots of candy in his pockets. If

Ike backs up to opposite railing and sits facing Maggie.

(sarcastically)

minutes off from that creep.

She gathers her dress and jumps in as Ike yells from window,

Establishing of Ikes car driving.

As Maggies VOICE-OVER continues to read her letter, we take in

BACK INSIDE THE ROOM

get the juice flowing, help me. I have

surprised, but hes pleased.

(to Man)

You can take your hands off your ears,

microphone)

Your job is... the ring.

Because hes the man.

to be.

we man-eater could stick together."

malice aforethought."

Walter looks at his daughter in surprise. Hes never heard a

I havent seen him in twenty-four hours.

sits under a hair dryer. Sprout, the dog, sits in his basket.

MAGGIE

EXT. IKES HOTEL WINDOW - CONTINUOUS

IKE

out.

CLOSE ON a group of plastic grooms and brides on a counter top.

cover story, its going to be published

You know the old saying, "Youre not

No -- like -- Im having a problem with

Why, when I was a virgin bride, I took

her last wedding. Ike laughs with Bartender just as Maggie

FISHER

(seeing Peggy)

Wheres that homemade sunshine?

Well, theres a girl from my hometown

so they wont make jokes about your

Hello, Peggy Phleming, "not the ice-skater".

And I see there was a chill in the air.

Ike walks down a street toward Ellie and Fisher.

IKE

MAGGIE

Ike sits at the bar speaking to an attractive Woman nearby, a

IKESPOV: There are most of the TOWNSPEOPLE weve come to

These are for you.

MAGGIE

Out of the corner of his eye, Ike sees a pictures of Christ on the

IKE

workout area and goes to her desk.

Ike pulls up slowly. GUESTS peer through the his car window and

MAGGIE (V.O.; contd)

wedding. I dont think its good.

Ike sings and taps along in tempo on the side of the car as Gill

We went to San Francisco twice.

help it.

Imagine if you will, a small town in

Yes.

that whole turn-the-other-cheek concept.

Fisher throws himself onto the carpet and rolls himself

Maggie, leaves Ike alone.

some solo, some tuxes, some in dinner jackets.

What do you think?

happy together"?

I dont and I dont think you should...

Number #4, ex-USA Today columnist, Ike

looks at his brightly colored hair.

Youre sure well known around here.

(innocently)

(gently, to Ike)

(snorts)

The slow, loopy pitch of a softball. A bat connects.

...

and glances around for Ike, hating herself for it.

She joins Ike at the piano. Ike gets serious.

I want you boys to take my princess on

IKE

its red. I mean, I have no idea what

MAGGIE

Dennis takes the candy and starts to go.

away. During the video, Ike scribbles: "Gill Chavez". Maggie

Ill have a car around the back to

They look after the FedEx truck and watch Ike chasing the truck

(taps her service bell)

IKE (contd)

MAGGIE (contd)

INT. NEW YORK BAR - DAY

on a picnic.

Ra ta ta ta. Yabada dabada. I now

INT. IKES APARTMENT - ANOTHER DAY

Ike walks up to his door, carrying his mail and a bag of

IKE

IKE

He steps over to Maggie in the doorway.

understand.

Excuse me, sorry, forgot my purse.

Its for the bell.

INT. CHAPEL - CONTINUING

them -- knew her at all. Each one was

We see Ike driving down the highway. The car sputters a little

Fisher, if you pee on that Persian,

the view with his back to Maggie as she speaks.

and to watch everything.

running from the devil himself.

Ike watches their reaction. The silence is deafening. All the

her, allowing himself to see her expression, her eyes. He cant

(to Elaine)

CINDY

IKE

PEGGY

ELLIE

Hes got a tropical sheet wrapped around his pants and shirt.

MRS. TROUT

Grateful Dead-type music. He makes an introductory speech.

Maggie regards her former fiance with patient warmth.

MAGGIE

MAGGIE

Sure.

MAGGIE

A train goes by. A modest clapboard house with a porch. Two

expenses and a rental car.

my calls.

"But perhaps, in fairness to the fairer

GRANDMA JULIA

Bob comes up to Ike. He looks like hes going to punch Ike, then

what hits him.

Alright, Mr. Paxton, Ill put it on

people. Slowly, we see the twenty people come over the crest of

No credit cards.

holds the cassette up to the light to read the hand-written

MOMENTS LATER

MAGGIE

fired, lady. You destroyed my

dont.

Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam! Oh, help me!

old ladies out of her way like the

Maggie drives up to an old brick firehouse that is now an auto

distillates.

in the armpit! And all you do is tear

"Wake up with ballplayer"?

She gets to him. Ike gets a restless look on his face. He

wants or Im coming back here with a

As Ike breaks in, he runs to the window and yells after her.

again.

IKE

Peggy and Mrs. Pressman step into a hardware store.

INT. MAGGIES HOUSE - DAY

IKE (contd)

Once in the privacy of the foyer, Peggy and Maggie talk.

She puts on her sunglasses.

(quiet fury)

Ike hangs up and watches more of the George Swilling wedding

A LITTLE LATER - CLOSE ON

the whole thing.

down by the dugout.

INT. CHAPEL - THAT MOMENT

original recording. Hard to find in

Peggy starts to go, then moves close to Maggie.

happier than I ever could...

Ike gives the ring to Fisher. The Pastor approaches Ike. Ike

mingles with Maggies panicked gasps.

Okay?

that I dont see the rose tattoo that

PEGGY

the house. The front door opens and Maggie appears fresh out of

ELLIE (V.O.; contd)

MRS. WHITTENMEYER

She fights back angry tears.

(handing her the key)

"Dear Editor..."

LOUT TROUT

pleasant face and a body that is almost shockingly buff. Hes

(beat)

MAGGIE

-- But shes certainly the fastest.

Mags?

is.

They like the idea, but my hands are

(sarcastically)

his arms around them and gives them a big hug.

MAGGIE

(beginning his story)

ANGLE ON:

PEGGY

your facts werent entirely straight,

cave with a thousand candles just to

was on the wrong track.

deceased, subheaded by "Walter" and there is one for "Brian",

(belligerently)

TIME CUT:

Bye, Betty. Thanks.

WALTER

What was that?

LOU TROUT

might show up here and start asking you

(shrugs)

grooms in the dust like that.

as he and Fisher continue their conversation in voice-over. (If

Peggy, theres distinct possibility

(wincing)

Im not a boastful man. Whats your

WALTER

attention.

Did you see that?

pretends not to have noticed. The two watch as Maggie and Cory

MRS. WHITTENMEYER

INT. MAGGIES WORKROOM/GYM - NIGHT

No. Im weird. Weird and mysterious

happened? Just now? Jus then? In

Okay -- have a seat... gently,

BOB

Maggie spits her bubblegum into the bag. Peggy hands Maggie her

Theyre both standing on the blocking sled. Wave after wave of

Its nice that theyre still friends.

"MAGGIE SAYS I DONT"

EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - DAY

some? A chance to prove that, though

(to Peggy)

guy today tried to end world hunger, if

PEGGY

EXT. NEW YORK STREET/FISHER AND ELLIES BUILDING - DAY

CUT TO:

IKE

Ike notices that hes been sewn to the veil.

Ellie and Fisher hear about Maggies wedding.

Yes, rubbing your ears is very soothing.

Holy moly.

Bag.

And talk about you.

next to him as he types away reading his handiwork to himself.

part -- I look down at my dress and

Ike turns around. Maggie is standing on the pedestal, wearing

Vendor calls out to him.

What did he ask?

(scoffs)

and sitting)

IKE

Shes very supportive of men...

IKE

her? A "man-eater", "a devouring death

then sits back down to watch.

Ike picks up his cup of cappuccino and moves behind the couch.

MAGGIE

The balcony overlooks Central Park. The twinkling lights of the

IKE

statuary. Strings of colored lights crisscross the ceiling.

Limousine, talking to a CHAUFFEUR. He goes up to her.

go out on a limo. Thats what makes me

sink. While she does this...

BARTENDER

BOB

kiss, a circular kiss. We hear the applause of about twenty

continues reading)

Yeah.

Im okay with that.

(quietly to Maggie)

helpless with laughter.

INT. NEW YORK BAR - LATE DAY

opposed to anything male that doesnt

Wait -- what was the ridiculous

The brush-off.

Pictures of the King and Queen.

Peggy enters and starts about her opening duties. She turns on

man-eater, the last of which concerns me

interview me.

Maggie looks at him with real gratitude. She swings the car

Im writing an article, Im getting

He looks around and spots some gadgets and lamps on another table.

George was doing!

that you did to the last three. Youre

somebody who didnt have any idea who I

Real newspapers smear. Phoney papers

to behold and Ike has to struggle to keep his face under control.

IKE (contd)

Thats breaking and entering. Ill call

INTERCUT WITH:

possible escape route, then changes her mind. She signals the

She tries to grab the photo again. Ike pulls it away.

IKE

Cindy and Peggy nod and leave. The door closes.

Ike opens the door to his apartment and flicks on the lights. He

And here we are at Bob. He proposed

(sarcastic)

Tough to spend money in this town.

Not this one. This ones on me.

barber chair. She tightens a screw and looks up, satisfied.

The Man continues speaking as Ike and the woman continue their

MAGGIE

celebration of Corys play. No looks at Peggy. Ike keeps an

minute man. Ideas dont flow until an

IKE

He was never one of her... I mean, they

best, and local NEWS TEAMS block the way. The STATE SENATOR is

the straps of the backpack.

Both extends his hand to Elaine.

Here, Maggie. I think this makes the

tone like this in her voice before.

ELLIE (contd)

ELLIE

diatribes at the opposite sex! This

No, its humiliating and youve been

Open up. You got no place to go.

Id like to explain about the weddings.

got the Galloping Gourmet here?...

"BRIDE TAKES HIKE...NOT IKE"

smiles as she walks in the front door and puts down her tool box

Carpenter. There was a sign at the

Before Peggy can protest, Maggie climbs down off the bleachers

We have to hurry. The Sunday School

IKE

you?

Gill. Of course. He proposed at the

Okay... Ill just grab my jacket.

(motioning to their eyes)

MAGGIE

lemon into lemonade.

MRS. PRESSMAN

INT. IKES HOTEL BATHROOM - CONTINUING

Ike takes this in. Shes reaching him -- but then the defenses

carnival scene. Cindy sits with Maggie as she leans forward,

Ike sits on his bed, on the phone, working and eating his

Jerry. Hed play. Hed play... Jerry

Peggy steps aside. Ike moves toward Cindy and Mrs. Pressman.

her waving hand back down to her side and sits down. Ike

for G.Q., Im in a different position

"I guarantee that well have tough

MAGGIE (contd)

Maggie?

Youre welcome. Your notes made

Pressman.

Its a little... Its a little heavy...

Thats fair.

WALTER

Ellie asked me to come down to offer

Ike has no response.

hopes and the brides feet be filled

Grandma gives her a kiss on the cheek.

She lets him lead her away.

are two different things.

going to be very tough on you. Its

strengthens the follicles.

Help me! Yup! Thats her all right.

MAGGIE

IKE

Adios. Plows down the aisle, knocking

FISHER

Italics.

MAGGIE

MAGGIE

really shouldnt come to confession.

Im taking her trekking on Annapurna on

Its one thousand dollars.

Well, wedding cake freezes. This we

Ike drives through Hale gobbling french fries from the fast food

IKE

Ike peeks out from under his towel as Maggie continues.

MAGGIE

INT. IKES CAR - LATER THAT DAY

Some woman is going to make you a lot

PEGGY

Theyre beginning to sense theyre in trouble here. Suddenly,

(taken aback)

up, our host, "A Honey of a Beekeeper",

MAGGIE

MAGGIE

PULL BACK TO REVEAL:

your eggs.

"Welcome to Hale."

The Woman gets up and begins throwing darts.

No, I cant hit on you until I get an

Hold it! Hold it! I think were

them, and criticize what they do,

(into phone)

been friends our whole lives. But

cocktail hour. Elaine is in back all dressed in black, mourning

MAGGIE

BRIAN

Ike leaves the kitchen, turns on the balcony lights and re-enters

Mags! Hey, look -- The tape from the

I said, Ive seen much worse.

"Greeting from the sticks! Perhaps you

IKE

Actually, I would like to get this dress.

... Theyre up, theyre down. Its

that and you didnt find eternal bliss?

cinnamon rolls)

Next BATTER hits one to deep left field and it lands in the grave

bouquet.

pets Italics, who sits on his sofa bed. Without taking off his

If youre looking for Elm Street, its

(protesting weakly)

other bag)

(calming)

opposite ends in their teeth. Grandma looks in.

cant ready anymore.

Since when does Ellie need moral supp--

Me?

can I "Hail Mary" my way out of it?

Ike takes a swallow of cappuccino.

INT. BAKERY - DAY

MAGGIE

Ike kisses Maggie. It is a world class, Olympic kiss. It is a

You tell Maggie.

DENNIS

MRS. PRESSMAN

INT./EXT. THE INN HALE BAR -- DAY

Over there. Ten oclock. Hes talking

Im a work in progress.

most today."

(whispering to Mrs. Whittenmeyer)

Satisfied?

Im listening.

(seeing the portrait)

Is this your preferred logo?

(bright)

Maggie, I gotta think about this a

He starts to leave with his bag. Mrs. Trout stops him.

MAGGIE

MAGGIE

wearing a T-shirt that reads: "Mountaineers Do It Against the

When your t-shirts stop shrinking.

Bob.

We overhear them murmuring in annoyed tones about the wedding

taking this too fast.

it means. Reds not my color!

IKE

What did you do to her?

My daughter makes real good time, even

Mrs. Pressman, please.

heavyweight title to a New Yorker.

ELLIE (contd)

thing, your grandpa didnt forget that

MAGGIE

Look -- Ill be in there later today.

Even with everything thats happened

PEGGY

Maggie leaves.

IKE

Ike comes up to Peggy.

ELLIE

It was one of the most wonderful

folk this little note to say that I have

and goes in.

MAN

bride, badum dum.

Shell be the prettiest little flower

Maggie steps out onto the back porch. Shes beautiful in a

(shocked)

Ike crouches to see Maggie on the floor just as she rises to her

No, no, dont mention my name in there.

would remem--

A NEWSPAPER PHOTO

IKE

IKE

MRS. PRESSMAN

Maggie leads Ike upstairs to her workroom.

PEGGY

MRS. TROUT

museum.

number three.

Nobody ever paid Shakespeare to write a

satisfy my current appetite: Ike

goes off on dirt bike. The tape fast-forwards to the last of

He seems crabby.

target. May you be publicly flogged

good that I didnt go through with it

Now we see Maggie come down the aisle, then walk past the altar.

(to the Women)

we hope that this boomerang bride isnt

MRS. TROUT (contd)

CUT TO:

MAGGIE

No, the other one.

He walks through the crowded city room. His arrival attracts a

railing, landing on Dennis toe. He follows down the stairs

we hope.

Ike drives down picturesque Main Street. He passes Hale

IKE

to say.

IKESPOV:

MAN

IKE

and pay for, so many weddings.

factual misrepresentations in your

Yes, well, my theory was that she may

Is that what youre going to do now?

Maggie pulls into the driveway in her truck. Shes in a fine

They ad lib various words starting with the letter "V". Maggie

INT. CHAPEL - CONTINUOUS

(serious)

to dress it up, it doesnt ring true.

done everything to convince him that I

MAGGIE

FISHER (V.O.)

ANOTHER ANGLE:

pot. Besides, Im comfortable with Ike.

ELAINE

Because you think Im all like... "Hey

spit.

door shut.

MAGGIE

smirking, checking out the hicks, forming their stories for

sort of spaz-out with random excess

IKE

bleachers and sits next to him.

MAGGIE (contd)

a Bridal Shop.

give me that photograph.

Im not giving up. A person shouldnt

Is that what I did to you? Is that

chases the truck, yelling:

eyes with his hand.

BOB

Well, why dont you pick out some

CUT TO:

MAGGIE

wholesome attitudes as PEOPLE greet each other familiarly. Ike

FISHER

MAGGIE

Cindy does her own nails as Mrs. Pressman scratches off lottery

Actually, he only asked me one

MAGGIE

Yeah, thats a good point.

Hes an entomologist! I thought it was

(then to Drunk)

shes a wild animal cornered. She moves to the side. The

INT. CHURCH - CONTINUING

Can you excuse us a minute?

Maggies face at the initial contact. Neither of them moves --

Maggie skips back into her house whi九_九_藏_書ch she shares with Father

dill. Same as me.

Really?

GORGE

GILL

to believe there could be more. Um...

You could have told me you were fiance

pantomiming holding the reins of a wildly galloping horse. Weve

(deadpan)

Fine. Here.

ELLIE

wedding night.

FISHER walks through the main office reading the paper.

perfume in elevators."

questions for a while.

We are friends, arent we, Fisher?

MRS. WHITTENMEYER

cappuccino. Ike notices another homemade machine on the table.

Cory?

IKE

down stairs.

CUT TO:

INT. IKES HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

MAGGIE

IKE

your theory was correct.

INT. IKES HALLWAY AND APARTMENT - NIGHT

INT. TROUTS BARN - NIGHT

As Maggie helps the man get up, we see that its Walter, Maggies

PRIEST/ BRIAN

IKE (contd)

EXT. HALE STREET - DAY

Never a Bridesmaid", will be attempting

And where you ever really going to run

novelist. More?

coffee.

MAGGIE

CUT TO:

Ike rocks imperceptibly, urging her on. Peggy and Cindy make

WALTER

Yep. I want him to be front and center

IKE

MAGGIE

Ike sits and leans over to George.

MAGGIE

on a neighbors lawn, invited GUESTS flock by in their party

the football field, a scowl on her face. A few HIGH SCHOOL

Good job, honey!

Im sorry, Ike. This is permanent.

MAGGIE

BRIAN

I didnt cook up a story. I had a

Originality is my speciality.

her soul seems to shine through in tat single frame. As Ike

BRIAN

Maggie loved that thing!" And I could

GEORGE

IKE

I left four messages. You dont return

for him. I mean, ones been up Everest.

video camera: CHUFFA about Scorsese.

times. I guarantee that at some point

WALTER

MAN

(to herself)

Gram here was going to give me the

You know, when I only see one dog, I

BOB (contd)

DENNIS, slows his pace to run alongside Maggie.

"... And in Hale, Maryland where she

EXT. HALE STREET - THE NEXT DAY

mind. In Indonesia, the bloody-jawed

Hey, honey!

This game is pretty important to him.

PEGGY

You misinterpret everything. Weve all

NEW ANGLE:

Maggie is a bit melancholy as she works on her lamps.

The Man comes out of the mens room reading the USA Today,

FISHER

Bob beams to see Maggies eager arrival at Ikes side. He

Reporter JULIE MURPHY stands near Grandma Julia and Mrs.

... The facts will be read someday.

No.

GEORGE

This is a great place -- a major hub of social life in Hale. The

IKE

THE END

MAGGIE

CINDY

same thing to "poor bastard number four"

go in the Tri-County area. A little FLOWER GIRL, 10, is being

Ike... Hi, Grandma.

Hi, Maggie. Youll have to excuse her,

IKE

FISHER

narrows his eyes at her.

IKE

ANGLE ON:

IKE

Sorry.

Cory dives in for third and makes it. The crowd goes wild.

REPORTERS catch up to him, flashing pictures and asking

Id say youve been in the sun too long.

MAGGIE

sings and plays "Ripple".

Its fun! Its high.

Maggie closer -- loving her, willing her on.

WOMAN

This is wonderful. You reconfigure all

There are reasons why they didnt come

Walter points to a portrait painting on the wall.

get low, get low. Next!

Maybe we both grew up.

CINDY

Maggie rubs her ears.

out. Ellie collapses back in her chair. Fisher goes to her and

know, plus some NEW YORKERS for Ike, with little ponytails.

MAGGIE

Bob blows his whistle, then puts Maggie on the football sled.

(blathering)

Two flower girls and Peggy enter a crowded church where the

prepares to make a sacrifice out of the

Ellie and Fisher, who have also stepped outside on chapel front

IKE

IKE

(exits salon;

(stepping closer

Im the only goddamn person in there

Fair enough.

Maggie has no response.

MAGGIE

INTERCUT BETWEEN TWO LOCATIONS:

(to Peggy)

pretty good guitar player. And this

GRANDMA JULIA

He smiles and follows her into the field.

IKE

stunned.

image of Maggie, hair blowing. Although she is panic-stricken,

without sarcasm?

That guy has a problem... Maggie, you

without the bolts coming out of their

ELLIE

The other dress is nice.

(laughing)

arts and crafts. As Maggie runs through:

Ike and Maggie open and close a Hoberman ball by holding its

All the gory details.

Thats why shes had some -- whatever

MAGGIE

bridal gown. They continue to ad lib words standing with the

Uproarious laughter. Maggie looks terribly pained. Ikes had

Take care of him.

window, listening.

(nods to door)

George, Groom #3, hears about Maggies wedding.

tickets. The dog, Sprout, sits in is basket.

article.

You dont need an air conditioner, Earl,

another article, then hes an idiot.

INT. FISHER AND ELLIES BEDROOM (NYC) - NIGHT

Bob -- are you making friends with this

suddenly remembers something and grabs the veil off her head.

Maggie!!!!?

CUT TO:

legs.

MAGGIE

(to Peggy)

WIDE SHOT:

article about Maggie.

Yes, you!

comment on Maggies runaway. Further down the road, Ike still

You okay? Im closing.

football team. And hes climbed

she hears him.

her, reads)

(cynical delight)

Ike stops in his tracks. He turns back around in spite of

Maggie "CHUFFAS" with Peggy and moves on.

(interrupting)

Run your laps. Go. Go.

bathroom window. Its stuck. She climbs over the bathtub,

Brian told you that?

Maggies fiascoes.

IKE

Neuter a locust, feed the world.

Fully. I like her. She has wit.

BOB

Ike and Maggie lock gazes. If they had to, they couldnt look

area, MUSICIANS plays. Ike laughs as he discovers that Maggie

photograph hes holding.

potentially but not certifiably,

Im going to make this work, Fish. Im

standing together on the other side of the field.

IKE

like trashy fiction. Your observations

IKE

EXT. IKES CAR - COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT

He follows him.

very unique.

You guys! How long did this take you?

ELLIE

about me is crying out for protection

chair. She looks like she hasnt slept.

Lou Trout..

Ike walks along sidewalk, crosses street, enters his building.

PEGGY

knights banner out behind her. This is MAGGIE CARPENTER.

give up.

Well, the groom just pulled up. There

If youre still in town, you should

MAN

stares at her, the smirk fades from his face. He just looks at

Too dark.

Ike and Maggie fishing.

She turns to rush out, then stops herself.

IKE

(interrupting)

Cindy the manicurist.

At least I backed out before the

good!

May the pitter-patter of little feet

the pew)

(no Netta)

outside watering plants. Ike looks after Maggie and then back

CINDY

Maggie. Bob lights up at the sight of her.

MAGGIE

EXT. CHURCH DRIVEWAY - CONTINUING

Which picture?

Walter reacts.

(cheerful)

-- Scrambled, with salt, pepper and

Stop. Stop it! Im getting married on

Snakes? Are you serious? I dont like

incredible.

Maggie, its just a joke...

(to Cindy)

going to run again. And Im not

about reality?

MAGGIE

back and forth with for a few minutes,

MAGGIE

Youre right. Its not funny now.

IKE

It wont take long. Jus two venials.

Dennis recognizes Ike as he walks up. Dennis tells Ike that he

Fine. The newspapers upside down.

In other words -- hes only human. An

This is about her negative attention,

Thank you.

Reporter JACKI and TIFFANY stand at the edge of the CROWD

I give up.

cast iron tub with a four-inch center

IKE

CUT TO:

Hello, Ike.

IKE

And one more thing. I know its hard

(to Maggie)

comes inside the hotel where she finds Ike talking to Grandma,

sentimental fool, but I sort of hoped

No. Youre quirky. Quirky and weird

CORY

An OLD WOMAN walks by and hits him with a newspaper. Ike is

half of a "W". A "W" for...

MAGGIE

MAGGIE

your cabs, and overwhelming you with

My jacket, please.

at the concert in San Francisco --

eyed snake awhile ago.

Ive heard about on your back.

Ike sits at his computer, cassette player with Miles Davis PLAYS

Maggie jumps rope barefooted late at night.

goddess."

Ike looks at her drooped shoulder and he shakes his head and

But enough toasts, lets hula. Lets

(excited)

of ten years ago that you had your

is looking very interested.

Bob continues to hold up the weight of the backpack as he straps

Peggy joins Maggie, who is blowing bubblegum and swaying in

Gill picks up an electric GUITAR and starts to play.

We see Maggie move away another aisle and out of the church.

isnt exactly a womans room.

and they go inside her door to the house.

of using this column to direct bitter

quickly. Peggy gives Ike a wink and an encouraging smile.

Nice guys, but he lives with his mom...

tattoo.

FISHER

Cory and Maggie belly-bump and high-five each other in

I was talking to the dog.

INT. MAGGIES HOUSE - THAT MOMENT

Id feel better if I knew where he was.

Put your finger in.

sex, I do need to broaden my horizon

Have a seat. Peggy, why dont you give

dont you realize hes writing another

(sincerely)

Maggie is aghast. She stares at Bob. Ike joins in behind a line

Ike swallows, overwhelmed, overjoyed, and scared shitless.

front of the bakery to take a look at Maggies truck. As he

since the fifth grade.

your mind off the reporter.

BOB

BOB (contd)

Fisher doing here anyway?

MAGGIE

BOB

diatribes you love to write about women

DRUNK MAN

I need a plan... A plan to life... What

She begins ripping many of other post-it off the picture frame.

BOB

I just found out Im best man! Im

CUT TO:

to Pete)

ELLIE

BOB (contd)

Its only funny at Camp Birchwood at

IKE

spine.

Mr. Whittenmeyer. Hi, Polly!

MAGGIE

MAGGIE

woman I have ever laid eyes on.

car. Now Ike takes Peggys place next to Maggie. Maggie turns

Thanks.

source.

MAGGIE (V.O.; contd)

CLOSE ON:

IKE

(mispronounces)

MAGGIE

Yes. Ive been here for thirty years.

little bit.

expecting her to share her joy. Mrs. Whittenmeyer darkens.

MAGGIE

Ike moves out to the balcony. After a moment, Maggie follows him.

Walter is juggling oranges. Theres glass of beer on the

FISHER

IKE

Yes, I did.

(to Ike, handing him a jacket)

INT. IKES APARTMENT - NIGHT

Maggie turns on Ike with "cheerful" hostility.

ANGLE ON: Bob comes outside.

Follow me around everywhere I go?

MAGGIE

IKE (contd)

something amazing with it.

Ellie.

Peggy recovers his face, then continues to fuss with the hair

Maggie stops Gill from playing. She shoots her ex an angry glare

at Cory. Now Maggie sees what hes getting at.

Wall.", Maggie dances over, waving the paper and singing.

She has the next victim all lined up.

IKE

Benedict.

bag in his lap. Ike passes THE INN HALE BAR, same dump of a

IKE

IKE

(getting into it)

Wherever it is, shell be there by ten-

(grabbing the

We need to limber you up a little.

You humiliated me!

WALTER

Maggie hands Ike a third ring. Its in the shape of a butterfly

on the couch.

EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - DAY

IKE

PEGGY

MAGGIE

I dont think thats why she ran.

IKE

George. He proposed at a butterfly

wedding rehearsal and two days before

Peggy and Cindy arrive for the rehearsal. They leave Cindys

Im not gonna show you guys anything.

PEGGY

what you like. We push, we stretch, we

the owners daughter; both stop and shop-girl radiate brightness,

No, Im just going to head home.

not running, right? Say it. "Im

(to Cat)

Peggy and Cindy exit. Maggie pulls the bell rope and sways back

Shut up, wahines!

Hallelujah.

really use fifty bucks.

off. Three weddings, no "I dos". You

MAGGIE

Swilling.

Ike moves toward the door. He spots Pete.

MAN

IKE

Shes really found it.

PEGGY

Attraction is very misleading. And if

It is a media circus including FOUR REPORTERS, Midday with

(then, continues

lamp idea in New York.

Maggie hands it to him.

distracting.

definitely a first to me, and youre

PEGGY

Im going to kill myself.

enough. He pushes himself to his feet. Walter is thrilled. He

ANGLE ON:

IKE

Itll be fun.

A big wholesome man, CORY, runs for first base. He just beats

lift, are in the funky garage.

beat.

enveloped by a barrage of bright lights.

Mrs. Trout just about bursts a gut laughing. Maggie takes the

onto the truth. Youre going to do the

... Just call me when you have it.

apologize to you for this unfortunate

would Bruce Lee do? Hed kick some

BRIAN

Like her mother.

and gives Ike a very hard look as he puts his arm around his

She picks up the paper and brushes it against her apron, leaving

So Ive come to see it as a bonus,

here unless theyre getting haircut.

girl in your daughters wedding.

Ike turns and heads for the door. The Man calls after him,

She starts to go, then stops in her tracks as she hears:

To who? Are you asking me?

The organ begins to play. The organist is Ted. Grandma, Walter,

of Maryland.

(removing his glasses)

(hangs up, then to Fisher)

boost over the top. We see the flicker of misunderstanding cross

ON TV:

other kinds.

Good fact. Well, you let me know.

Cory as he runs for second base and with a slide beats the throw

MRS. PRESSMAN

not very flattering to me either. So,

little "come on" motions. It seems to be working. Maggie

Honey, are you okay?

Carpenter, AKA, the Runaway Bride."

Journalism lesson number one. If you

Welcome to our annual country luau. As

going to do it!

PEGGY

eighteen.

INT. IKES HOTEL ROOM - LATER THAT MORNING

CUT TO:

WALTER (contd)

field to Big Bob."

MAGGIE

Bob test the weight of the backpack adding dehydrate food.

A BAND plays for two hula dancers. The Trouts had decorated it

PEGGY

I love you, too.

(then, louder)

her husbands jacket.

Whittenmeyer catches the wig as he puts the mannequin under his

BOB (contd)

Its valuable. Hang onto it.

satisfaction?

Ah, come on. They deserve it. They

Oh, sure. That was a long time ago.

BOB

tip for the Bartender.

"Make the shot."

She disappears around the ledge of the building and runs off.

town. I jus had to come warn you he

PEGGY (contd)

Maggie walks towards Ikes room, checks that no one sees her and

And who are these lovely ladies?

Whats this over here?

looking Hawaiian Princess get-up. But her face reflects none

"V".

walks into the aisle looking a little shaky. She takes a few

Just give us one quick gander at that

GEORGE (contd)

(after opening

Actually, Grandma, I charmed the one-

FISHER (V.O.)

leaf-lined aisle to a waiting Ike. They kiss as we hear the vows

INT. FISHER AND ELLIES APARTMENT (NYC) - NIGHT

Maggie takes the wine bottle from the table next to Walter. She

Yes, Mrs. Pressman.

and wets his hair. She grabs various hair coloring products.

(lightly)

video.

entitled "Maggies Mad Dash".

IKE

stop by.

Ike and Maggie sit in the steaming car for a moment.

Establishing shot.

blah, blah, blah. So on and so forth.

ELLIE

conversation.

Okay, well order out.

INT. CHURCH FOYER - DAY

He pleads into his friends answering machine as he walks.

He opens it. Its her running shoes.

INT. NEW YORK BAR - DAY

minds of these several hundreds folks,

MAGGIE

PEGGY

INT. DINNING ROOM/MAGGIES HOUSE - NIGHT

MAGGIE (contd)

(without turning to him)

MAGGIE

The real story on Miss Carpenter.

ceremony.

ELLIE

Ike stands there dazed. For a second. Then she springs into

Cindys dog is on the floor near Maggie.

So, tell me, George, why do you think

Good job, gentlemen... Special teams.

She takes her hand down. Ike steps away.

Oh, please!

Jerry to let me sit in on "Ripple"?

Of course.

Im going to walk with you.

IKE

IKE

Ike smiles down at his loafers and shrugs.

IKE

PRIEST

Maggie finishes the punchline along with his father.

IKE (contd)

IKE

Cindy rushes to Maggies wedding dress.

If you came down here in the pursuit of

miniature bride)

IKE

down, standing)

MAGGIES POV:

around.

Something that brings warmth to my heart.

Ike jogs alongside of Maggie on her bike. Maggie parks her bike

Emma and I were only blessed with one

she ran?

IKE

CROWD the essence of what is wonderful about a small town. Bob,

PEGGY

Youre no fun.

go to the dining room.

(to Ike)

But one of those guys -- not one of

Maggie!

article about me?

IKE

(sticking it to Ike)

(a pause)

Maggie hands Mrs. Trout her bride and broom figures. Maggie

DENNIS

Mrs. Whittenmeyer wilts under Ikes fierce gaze. She turns to

surprise at his touch shows on her face as she finishes her

PEGGY (contd)

MAGGIE

its mutual, its well, terribly

dated for a while.

ending.

WALTER AND CROWD

Ike is still in bed. He slowly blinks awake, stretches, and is

Maggie may not be Hales longest

say or you can quote me, Im a glass

The words are barely out of her mouth when Cindy comes out the

EXT. STREET/HALE/ATLANTIC HOTEL - THAT NIGHT

grit out of it.

Mr. Graham.

TOWNSPEOPLE stand so Ike can hurry through the pew. Ike climbs

IKE

guys in bars are good. It means

Fun? Fun isnt the word.

IKE

of his head. His back is to the mirror, his body faces Maggie.

MAGGIE

EXT. IKES CAR - CONTINUING

If you were imagining me, you did great.

with her fingers)

fabricate your facts, you get fired.

You do that. And remind him hes

the glass doors)

at the high school. And he coaches the

you?

steps, are looking around as Ike turns around the corner and

to go. She jumps off the stage and runs up to a passing GUY on

(pushing a piece

MAGGIE

IKE (contd)

She ignores him and continues her search.

TIME CUT: A FEW MINUTES LATER:

IKE

with the first amendment now. Open up.

Ive still never been married and I

Maggie, dont marry Coach! Marry me.

(takes paper from

EXT. HALE METHODIST CHURCH - THE NEXT DAY

and for a grand I will answer all your

Its probably because you got him fired.

give her a bag to breathe in.

MAGGIE

Yes.

Ill just need one more day to make sure

Im too loaded.

No, Maggie, I defended you.

IKE

MAGGIE

Your two cinnamon rolls.

GRANDMA JULIA

(then to Ike)

EXT. ANOTHER STREET - DUSK

EXT. FIELD - DAY

Cmon. Lets go.

FISHER

of grooms for her wedding cake. The groom figures are spread out

(thinks a moment;

lifetime, thank you. Im sorry she got

FADE TO BLACK.

IKE (contd)

BOB

many admirers.

WOMAN

Holy moly.

exploitative, mean-hearted creep who

way this time?

INT. CHAPEL - CONTINUING

Ikes going to get married.

(thinks)

EXT. MAGGIES HOUSE - DAY

Various High School SPORTS TEAMS practice. Maggie strides across

PEGGY

What do you think? Good idea, right?

MAGGIE

cooked this story up and you know it.

She hesitates.

-- I am having all kinds of weird

the lights and turns and sees her friend, Maggie.

as the younger one, Peggy, continues to read the column aloud.

May the gifts be returned!

Ike sits as he hears Maggies voice behind him.

Your filters clogged. This takes

Maggie smiles tenuously. Shes more than a little terrified.

scrambled, poached, sunny-side up, Benedict, soft boiled, etc

MRS. PRESSMAN

Maggie kneels, hands folded reverently. The booths grate opens

up to you?

Ike looks at the Man with reservation. The Man is George

you, one-minute man.

can run everyones life but your own.

EXT. MAGGIES HOUSE - LATER THAT MORNING

Like a general, he points to Dennis and Cory in the back and

The KIDS mob him, grabbing his pockets. Ike fights his way

to compete with. Especially to us

story. I made a mistake.

And why did you say seven times? This

Well, Im writing another article on

dont want to climb Annapuma.

(then to Maggie)

is that she likes to dress her men up

IKE

No, thats what makes you unemployed.

to complete her fourth wedding ceremony.

emerged with the conclusion that, yes

IKE

IKE (contd)

say is, "Look..."

Im really sorry that I hurt you, Brian.

IKE

MAGGIE

Aloha. Thats a very fetching

Maggie indicates column to Peggy. She looks over at the part of

drains away, her happy mood crushed by the tactless assault of

They start walking again.

I gave you entitles me to ask the

MAN

Yes, Im spiraling through the air.

the piano.

Its her fourth time to the altar, you

looks at it and smile sweetly.

and studded with multi-color gems.

LADY

whites only.

They walk up to her DOORMAN.

MAGGIE

Maggie goes over to Peggy and Cindy, and starts to get into her

What?

It was very sweet until he hallucinated

ELLIE

off happily in their wedding clothes. As the group cheers,

You are the football. Youre spiraling

is up. He sees all his notes gone and a glimpse of Maggie as she

fiance #4, is packing cans into a backpack. Bob, 38, has a

for the force out. The women jump and cheer -- Maggie, again,

Ike exits his hotel as the Barber Shop Quartet finishes singing

mean, the right way. Soon as I turn

reporting.

I want to have a very serious discussion

Maggie seethes.

Theyre mine. Im turning in my

him his key. Ike asks about room service and the restaurant.

PEGGY

-- The luau for Maggie.

a diamond set into the number.

improve your reputation any, and its

You know, for a good looking man, you

Wait. We have to talk. We have to do

even I dont understand and something

CUT TO:

Te ladies shake his hand and introduce themselves.

Maggie stops her walk, gives Ike a teasing smile, and then

(sitting)

IKE (contd)

No, hes no good. Too blond.

INT. BRIDAL SHOP - DAY

on these walls. Got any living ones?

running joke...

My girl likes to brag about me.

Lost!

opposite railing.

MRS. MURPHY

(looks to Walter)

screen. Superimposed titles read "Brian Norris wedding."

He looks better. Ike enters. George looks up and recognizes

Ellie enters the kitchen, hears the question and shakes her head

BRIAN

the only one for me"

doghouse with Mrs. Paxton.

MAGGIES POV:

dear. Polly, will you come help me,

WOMAN

(to Mrs. Trout)

reimbursement for the dress yet?

Fisher and Ellie are exercising. Fisher is on a cycle machine.

idea.

Picture this, if you will. A small

Mrs. Trout hears about Maggies wedding.

MRS. TROUT

PEGGY

sorry for me.

right back down the aisle and out the...

About a minute...?

unleaded.

"Thats why I was surprised to find Mr.

IKE

Thats right, Maggie. Just keep your

(nods)

shushes the CROWD.

meet. But shes always focusing out

IKE

MAN (contd)

My point is that one again, youre

there. You dont think theyll call it

Theyre terrific.

The wind rustles the endless field of corn, blows over the

food is greasy and good, Mrs. Pressman is the waitress, and the

Its a small barn thats been converted into a luau with a bar.

INT. CHURCH FOYER - THAT MOMENT

and add some new goddesses to the

ELLIE

some talking now. Pull up a railing.

MAGGIE

(sharply)

Bob is making her visualize the

know Ive had too much to drink.

EXT. GILLS GARAGE - DAY

MAGGIE

BOB

really Hawaii.

our honeymoon.

We hear Fisher laugh.

Keep an eye on him.

Elevator doors open. Ike and Fisher exit and walk towards the

She gets everyone up to hula. Band plays fast tune. Maggie

man-eater?

Without oxygen...

Brian moves away. Maggie follows and sits in a nearby pew.

ANOTHER ANGLE:

point?

an INK SMEAR!!

You and your lucky geese. You always

We see a hill and on top of it is a Pastor marrying Maggie and

them on and crosses to the window.

She tries to recall.

takeout. Thats New York living.

Writing or wiping?

sentence.

because with a "man-eater" like me on

Bolts.

IKE

MAGGIE

Ike... Please dont write anything

IKE (V.O.; contd)

BOB

Thats Brians. He took me ut canoeing

I was hoping youd say that.

ELLIE

MAGGIE (contd)

MAGGIE

best you.

Lawyers.

your own, like Bob, if hes the one.

INT. MAGGIES LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

The place is fairly large and prosperous, probably the place to

Ike yells at a CONSTRUCTION WORKER.

Nows the time for calm... If you dont

Yes.

His hair... any color.

MAGGIE

kitchen counter.

It just gives me the creeps a little bihttps://read.99csw.comt.

ANGLE ON:

Ahh...

dance to the soon-to-be newlyweds, the

might actually sell that thing.

Maggie quickly turns around and pulls down the back of her shirt,

But..." Nice guys, but Im cheap.

So, what do you want to know?

He walks to the bar and is greeted warmly by Lee. Maggie gets

focused mainly on hog calling and

(hiding his hope)

PEGGY

He passes regular GUYS who cheer him.

EXT. NEW YORK STREET - DAY

Peggy moves to the salon mirror near Maggie with her cup of

out of his pocket)

They are in the church proper now. Peggy waits in a pew as Bob

Ike clears his throat as he stands putting his pants on.

(to himself)

Walter passes out on the front seat.

what is that wonderful smell?

I mean Maggie didnt know she was going

Mrs. Trout, go back to your seat!

out.

MAGGIE (contd)

were never going to get... They just

Hey, Pete, Ill be right with you.

We see Maggie kickboxing in anger. The radio is on. She

Okay, were ready. Want me to have Ike

Its been our experience that anyone

the devouring death goddess. In India,

Why should I pay you dollar one?

Dance with me.

Its perfect.

He starts putting cat food in a bowl. The cat leaves Maggies

Maggie has kicked it in the shins. It rears and bolts,

IKE

MAGGIE

time I step out my front door I meet

No. Forget about it. Dont even think

FISHER

Ike smiles broadly atop of the sled as he sees Maggie

IKE (contd)

Maggie adjusts her face as best she can.

who is having tea with her friend, NETTA.

Get this man a Kamikaze.

groom, Brian, and his best man wait at the altar.

EXT. BALCONY/IKESAPARTMENT - NIGHT

beauty and intelligent eyes.

for a sober moment.

MAGGIE

(tenderly)

gasket, just put in a little hydraulic

Maryland...

Good luck, Maggie.

No, Im not.

INT. ATLANTIC HOTEL - HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

strike out a lot.

Ike turns slightly, giving the man his back.

CINDY

man?

CUT TO:

Maggie and Bob start to dance as the Quarter sings "Aloha Oe."

he brought us a bottle of wine.

door. Ike is there in a flash to help her pull Walter into the

BOB (contd)

(reassuringly)

serious reflection, from which I have

INT. HARDWARE STORE - NIGHT

He looks better with that stuff out of

Cindy, come on.

Were out the special because

know.

MAN (contd)

velvet box.

car.

MAGGIE

now...

of the couch)

MAGGIE

Like when women whack you on the street

(sitting)

Maggie Carpenter, "Always a Bride --

Sorry, no. I just got one.

used this one before... Brian. But I

Remember that night I as trying to get

"Tools".

Walter reacts.

revealing the top of her back and a pristine expanse of skin. No

Not to mention on the mind of Groom

kids will be here soon.

What?

Excuse me, Pete, do you know a place

Not anymore. I have to draw the line.

What are you doing?

Polly comes to help carry the mannequin away.

FADE TO BLACK

"MAGGIES MAD DASH"

of paper)

Boring, down to death, pointless -- It

cookies.

exercise. All the sports shrinks use

without cable.

MAGGIE

(gets up to admire

tire swing.

Ike watches as Maggie takes the heat, raising her glass along

(whispers)

Hes been "devilized". Peggy coughs as she recognizes Ike in

drives by the bar and sees this.

Peggy moves to help Cindy with the dress. Maggie stands alone at

IKE

Its a night like any other in Hale -- the regular order of

See?

WALTER

CINDY

DINA NAPOLI

MAGGIE

FISHER

Yes, I am. And who are you?

clearly what has happened to me is as

Both Maggie and Ike are breathing hard. Bob comes up to Maggie

Here we go! One antique hot water

(sliding along

columnists are supposed to do. This is

Oh, she just went to get me something

Am I right?

King and Queen of Hawaii, Maggie and

Is that how you proposed when you asked

Te family dog, Skipper, sits near a ceramic dog table. Maggie

FISHER

ELLIE

MAGGIE (contd)

There it is on Gills chest: the rose tattoo. Maggie sighs,

Cory comes over with Dennis to Bob and Peggy. BOB/PEGGY/CORY/

supportive. You were being scared.

He keeps marching. Now Peggy appears next to Maggie. Maggie

MAGGIE

ducks in a row.

enters.

(into phone)

Bobs the head of the P.E. department

MAGGIE

charming and mysterious in a way that

MRS. TROUT

Mrs. Pressman. No relation.

Watch your leg, Dad.

hyperventilate.

than Maggie, but that would be tough. From firs base, Cory waves

(no response)

IKE

of writing about those mind-numbing

No -- Im cleaning an attic. I

Ike moves away from her and sits on the steps near the balcony

Im so tired of this.

(glances at list)

about to watch you hang yourself again.

(removing his jacket)

burning to talk to you and he cant

I want revenge. I want to destroy this

the trunk. Ill take you for a ride.

plans as they exit... Walter puts down his drink.

(pause)

And its the quality that counts.

Maggie comes down steps and enters the church childrens Sunday

We have to go to Maggie. Cindy, mind

ass...

MAGGIE

PEGGY

MAGGIE

Because you cant make me feel bad.

(blathering)

ELLIE

BOB

(huffy)

need a half and a nine-six-tenth.

My magazine doesnt pay because for

IKE

IKE

Ike.

the newspaper clipping.

to let your opponent throw you off

Bag.

PEGGY

because it would have been a lie, but

approaches rapidly. The CROWD has turned from skepticism to

PEGGY

say to people who never had a chance to

MAGGIE (contd)

Ike snores. Maggie hits him.

my own horse.

skinny on why you run from marital

Let me take you back inside, okay?

his hair. Hes an attractive man.

(to Polly)

(laughing)

IKE (contd)

Good luck.

aromatherapy.

to get back to work. I still have my

They continue to pound him with questions as he walks to church

EXT. WINDOW OF CHURCH/INT. SUNDAY SCHOOL ROOM - DAY

See you at the wedding.

"To be fair, the man-eater isnt

So, the forces of good and evil have

the bar and starts glancing at it. The Man at the bar has heard

MAGGIE

PEGGY

MAGGIE

Now thats romantic. A proposal like

be making the wedding cake and they say

critic?

its the rudest and most offensive...

MAGGIE

that I was never serious about Gill,

Want to go to Butchs for a drink or

IKE

Walter cracks up, Maggie shoots Ike a look. He smiles back.

BOB

That must have made you proud.

got more juicy material than I need.

balloons behind them. A balloon hits Ike on the face. As he

But you dont have a really superb idea!

from going outside to follow Maggie). Bob thinks about it.

himself.

ELAINE

love and who love you back.

I already made an appointment for later

Grateful Dead rose.

If you guys are here any longer,

the car falters and jerks. It shows to a stop on the shoulder of

space alien.

FISHER

MRS. TROUT

Could I have two coffees, please? And

FISHER

hear hes a pretty good ballplayer.

No. I call it like I see it. Im a

Of Ikes stunned face on the cover of the USA Today. The caption

equipment. They enter the flood of PEOPLE streaming inside the

Ikes wrong. Maggie is already trying to open the first

I wanted to talk to you about why I run

She whacks him with a newspaper, then shakes his hand.

steps. An OLDER LADY smacks him on the shoulder with a

Cory does that to me when I

They start to dance a slow dance.

suddenly stops, yanks Ikes article off the wall, leaves her

IKE

Im really rooting for this one.

Everybody dance.

(yelling out)

She has a tape?

Do you have the ring?!

(taps his chest)

IKE

ready for work. He is on the phone to Ike.

Hey, Ike, what would Jerry do?

Well, they should. Because theyre

You chew men up, spit them out and

for all of your bad choices and may

coat, he goes to his keyboard and plays music as he CHUFFAS to

Meredith, the low-end public access TV reporter, films himself

MAGGIE (contd)

down the road away from the church.

I changed it.

the window, looks away, stops and looks again. The window

(checks photo again)

Ike moves back to the couch.

Ike turns and puts the clipping up on the mirror.

Oh, yeah, I forgot. Ill tell you one

ELAINE

only happens once in a lifetime. Its

be. But if you ever become a Catholic,

You should thank Lou and I for the

CUT TO:

Neutral corners you two. Youre on the

Of an impure nature?

ELLIE

Excuse me, we dont need any new ideas.

path. Like a gazelle, she leaps to the side aisle and scampers

on Bob.

I dont know.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

have given him a better Christmas gift.

No, about her getting that asshole from

Ike takes her hands affectionately.

Ike sits down comfortably.

ANGLE ON:

a bike.

Peggy goes to her car. Cindy joins her as Bob speeds off in his

away, I wouldnt get to say this next

MAGGIE

MAGGIE (contd)

on a weekday while everybody is at work.

rips into it, looking for her letter. She finds it. A smile on

So -- Mag -- youve seen this, huh?

BOB

Thats called changing your mind.

GORGE

sin scale, how big is that? I mean,

He walks the other way.

NEW ANGLE:

IKE

that if I dont ask you to be mine,

As Maggie rides down the aisle, suddenly the horse whinnies!

Father, am I too late?

IKE

Uh, Maggie, you told us to bachelorette

(eyes down)

Maggie!

Poached, just like me.

(disappointed)

Yes, yes, Im sure I only did you good,

No... Theyre interesting guys. Each

MAGGIE

for me. I cant believe you waited for

MAGGIE (o.s.)

Always a mood killer.

A sigh now rises from the GUESTS as Maggie closes in on Ike. He

IKE

Theres something familiar about him. She looks over at Peggy

Why do YOU think she ran?

ELLIE

Well rub.

label: "Miles Davis." "Kind of Blue" plays as Maggie listens in

MAGGIE

EXT. MARYLAND HIGHWAY - DAY

Maybe you should ask her some time.

leads Maggie and Ike up the back steps of the church.

PEGGY

Ike stares back at her, the tickle of suspicion creeping up his

Ike has placed post-its on a framed picture, using the frame as a

... And this is Maggies beer.

IKE

Grandma!

IKE

Tell me, why does Maggie need another

MAGGIE

BOB

FISHER

Maggie leads Ike through a cornfield.

sends them into action. The doors shut in Maggies face. But

a knitting needle with me into the bed...

having a daughter with problems. But

her wedding video on top of the TV, and goes to the front door.

As Fisher and Ellie sign the guest book, a LOCAL LADY stares at

his shoulder. Ike puts his hands around her waits to give her a

Youre a goddess!

INT. CHURCH BASEMENT - CONTINUING

and Ted) do the limbo. Walter, Mrs. Pressman doesnt turn as

Before Maggie can finish, Ike intercepts her.

past.

is there, only theyre not really them.

Will she or wont she? That is on the

Well, instead of a haircut, how about

And you defending her?

INT. IKES APARTMENT - DAY

MAGGIE (contd)

(playful)

and parks. He gets out and speaks into his tape recorder.

hippie-type wedding ensemble. She walks with her father to a

THE SOUND OF A KEY IN THE DOOR makes Maggie jump. She flees to

Its early morning. Mrs. Pressman hands Peggy a cup of coffee

No, shes talking about your hair.

MAGGIE (contd)

Okay. Second floor.

counter.

I didnt even need to change this

You handle him, okay? I could use five

Oh yeah! I happen to know from

fresh proof that the female archetypes

-- I traffic in female stereotypes."

walks to his car.

MAGGIE

King and Queen, dance.

question he asked?

gathered under headings and subheadings. Parents "Mother"

Fisher, let him talk.

the ride of her life... Honey, tell em

Ike knows shes right.

machine. It looks very shiny and futuristic. Maggies logo

reading)

This doesnt want to come out.

MAGGIE

Im not worried about you and Cory or

the feel of the sand under your feet.

Brian closes the confessional window and exits

cabinet affixed to the wall above sink, which holds various

Ellie is on the phone as Fisher enters with beer. Ike sits at

I can get some tools over there.... and

piece, and since I do freelance stuff

as grooms before she devours them. She

to look behind her in terror. The horses labored breathing

(then, with enthusiasm)

Thats it. Back to obedience school.

I understand why you bring up the truck.

Then youll be my best man.

Im getting married.

theyre not driving.

Maggie closes the booth curtain and turns to Brian.

losing a daughter..." Well, Id like to!

sit with them.

cell phone.

May I have a word with you, please?

her. Maggies voice rises from the floor behind the counter.

and walks off with her children. The T-shirt Vendor goes back

shes worth hitting on.

You got something without a toy in it?

New York fired.

his glasses and watches a video taped wedding playing on the TV

truly, Maggie Carpenter. P.S. -- I

Friends. Thank you. Thank you.

I have no idea what Im doing.

eat in my room.

Ike leans into Maggie, enjoying the smell of her hair. She

respect. Nobody whos been up Everest is a total clown.

MRS. PRESSMAN

Thanks. Will you fix my hair?

(reading)

WALTER

He steps carefully into the field, then hops gingerly toward Maggie.

(putting the list

Hes here! Hes here!

ANGLE ON:

T-SHIRT VENDOR

(then)

Fisher uses the dock for a photo shoot featuring men and women

Peggy takes a small sip off her soda.

convinced that she was perfect for them,

GEORGE

tape.

CUT TO:

IKE

And in a "V".

What was that? I cant order my eggs

IKE

is "King of Blue"! This is the

Maybe someday.

Oh, my God -- Its Miles Davis. This

IKE

Maggie and Bob pose for pictures with some of the guests.

MAGGIE (contd)

GRANDMA JULIA

No, no. Youre her best friend.

the luau.

pastor.

coming.

Did something happen to make you care

WALTER (contd)

ELLIE

Oh, look, Mr. Graham, how about a toast?

She canned him, she canned him...

delivered paper: USA Today. She tears off the plastic bag and

lunatic, but I know exactly where hes

Im sorry. Im just so stressed out

and calls after him.

Give me that!

smiles stiffly, looking back at Ike. She then sits on the arm

reliable sources that Nietzche got

Maggie puts her hands up.

MAGGIE

EXT. ATLANTIC HOTEL - DAY

Actually, I would love to come.

FISHER (V.O.)

Gotta tell you this about my daughter.

has already disemboweled six in a row

MAGGIE

Can you fix it?

Thats what were working on -- focus.

nonchalantly on the arm of the couch. Ike enters as Ellie reads

(to Maggie)

Theres one thing we New Yorkers know

Peggy sits in the chair. Maggie spins her around and around.

start up a conversation with a woman in

Ike and Maggie stare forward. Both seem in melancholy moods.

paint machine.

(dismayed)

youre throwing --

Fisher. A videotape of all three train

EXT. OCEAN - DAY

the aisle? I was walking toward

God bless you, Maggie.

Over Ellies shoulder, Ike sees Fishers grinning face.

not going to want to miss it.

wouldnt know real love if it bit him

EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCKS - CONTINUOUS

fluid.

(whispers)

Ike walks away. Alone, Maggie tries to seem enthused.

CINDY

Check on the crabs, Bob.

ANGLE ON:

(in shock)

The brides been here for almost an

she leaves. Ike hangs up. He gets up to pick up the remote and

PEGGY

copies him.

Dads fishing trip, Grandmas knee

He laughs a little at the painful truth of her words and walks

farmer and Grandma Julia. Reporter DINA NAPOLI walks down the

with lead!

youve been like this since we were

IKE

It wont be funny if you drag it out.

Ya think?

MRS. TROUT

Maggie hops cheerfully back to her feet.

of the festivities around her. Every now and then, she looks up

What went wrong?

Lighten up, wahine.

This year, were dedicating our first

(sarcastically)

I am a soon-to-be-married woman. Now

then, I mean, now... I cant imagine...

MAGGIE

wedding trot.

We HEAR Ike slamming his body against the bathroom door.

with some sort of gewgaw on his loafers

the booth)

INT. MAGGIES FOYER AND STAIRS - DAY

dubiously, at the paper.

Establishing.

LEE

Twice...

Maggie smiles at Bob. Ike sighs and goes with it. Bob pulls Ike

a bar, attack her choice of reading

with two Sherpas and a yak.

Maggie steps over, carrying her bride and groom figure choices.

IKE

Ike pulls his tape recorder out of his pocket and quietly speaks

(calling after her)

(in amazement)

PEGGY (contd)

kids. And I think now that you are

CUT TO:

Done.

Thats better than fine.

journalist. Im a truth teller.

disheveled wedding gown, its train tattered and flying like a

It just seems like an awful lot of

MAGGIE

Youre going to be very disappointed.

Several cars, including a yellow jeep-like car up on a hydraulic

I feel Im right about you. You got me

(into phone)

The NY T-shirt Vendor pitches his wares.

Immediately, Cory and Dennis open the doors for her entrance.

MAGGIE

PEGGY

There is a fire in the fireplace. Maggie and Ike sit as Ike

She returns to the balcony and hands him the box.

through KIDS.

hour or two before deadline.

IKE

Maggies pace quickens.

the table, deep in the mood of the melancholy music.

Ike puts a shirt on as Maggie speaks.

FISHER

in Spanish, then out stumbles GILL CHAVEZ, 34, wearing a grease-

along is ethical? Actually, I meant

IKE

operation, Grandmas birthday...

IKE

MAGGIE

The couple enters. Bob is a goody bronzed god in his King

Phleming, a local radio announcer.

Dont tell me. My doorman is one of

IKE

A woman, MRS. MURPHY, rushes in.

MRS. WHITTENMEYER

I am just such a reporter. And you are?

Peggy nervously mentions the newspaper.

(putting on jacket;

They stop at the coffee table and grab something to eat.

smile at each other.

exactly new. In Ancient Greece, this

She sent us this list. Our lawyers say

You know, your daughter seems...

He hugs her.

Bob and Maggie kiss Ike two little love-birds.

(indicating Ike)

LEE

And the church.

MAGGIE

CUT TO:

Dont say "spec" like its a dirty word.

your account.

BOB

Raises the bottle to Maggie.

guess what? I dont like having a

(confesses)

(interrupting)

Brian sits next to Maggie.

not be Maggies.

Not bad. I was traveling around

(hangs up, then yells to Fisher)

She is known as Miss Maggie Carpenter

IKE (contd)

showing you the full wedding ceremony,

trainer. Big advocate of the mind and

BOB (contd)

inspire one of those potential bitter

Maggie looks miserable.

He smiles as he looks at Maggie.

I dont write bitter diatribes about

MAGGIE

CUT TO:

The bar from the opening scene. GEORGE SWILLING, the same man

guests stare at Maggie. Mortified, she holds back tears.

Gee, I hope they dont have a fight out

I know. I think sometimes you just

MAGGIE

observation.

CINDY

INTERCUT TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

IKE

IKE

is nervous.

MAGGIE (contd)

EXT. FIELD - DAY

city stretch out across the beautiful night. Ike looks out at

apologize to your family.

Well, Im good, I dont know if Im

town.

Thanks.

Cory approaches.

elbowing you in the subway, stealing

I found this and didnt know if it was

SHERIFF, POLICE CHIEF and MAIL MAN, all playing instruments as

Steady.

(to Drunk on bench)

JUST THEN. Ike enters the salon, taking off his sunglasses.

I dont know. I, uh -- I frankly dont

wearing a crown of flowers. The Maid Marian look. Ike slows the

calls again.

PEGGY

GRANDMA JULIA

one of the full pews, crosses the aisle and leaps across the pews

(to Ike)

Hey.

(happily)

informercials that are always on.

Seven-fifty.

more in here.

Peggy exits. Maggie stares, losing herself in thought. Then a

MAGGIE

thinking us slanderous statements about

IKE

Eight is good... "V" could be Victory.

CUT TO:

yoni devour his -- dot dot dot, never

Its hurting.

shakes his head at Maggie.

Who?

empathetic silence, seeing that Peggy is truly hurt.

she is Kali, who likes to devour her

love-birds later.

(continuing his thought)

IKE

ANGLE ON:

MAGGIE

are. Im the luckiest man alive.

MRS. PRESSMAN

I like his tight butt.

theyre cold, theyre high, theyre

You know, its just possible that she

wedding. Thats progress!

PEGGY

Its a little early in the game for Ike to be thrown off guard.

(yelling to Peggy)

ELLIE

the longing.

BOB (contd)

PEGGY

IKE

low...

Peggy and Mrs. Pressman immediately spring to her side. They

Its a little "Silence of the Lambs"

INT. ATLANTIC HOTEL HALLWAY - CONTINUING

Maggie puts the paper on the kitchen counter and starts to read

CUT TO:

Ike nods as they come to a wooden fence. She puts her hand on

MAGGIE

Im sorry.

follows, but Peggy grabs a coat for her. Bob watches her go as

to her station.

guaranteed to fit any American Standard

ELAINE

EXT. MAIN STREET/BEAUTY PARLOR - NEXT DAY

married women who have lost our mystery.

MAN

Well, Maggie -- in the words of Mrs.

CUT TO:

You can go in now.

Then come for dinner.

Maggie gives her a look.

with the others. Bob raises his glass like the good sport he is.

Ike sits. Maggie takes the box from him and puts it aide. And

IKE

MAGGIE

DENNIS CHUFFA: About Bart Starr and football. (Which keeps Bob

Um, you know, now would be a good

Oh, Betty. I take it youre going to

mood as she walks right in the house.

Yes, Ive seen it. And I have to say

MAGGIE (contd)

Ike indicates the seat next to Peggy.

IKE

inside a cocoon.

IKE

MAGGIE

Ike takes his coffee with him as he picks up his glasses, puts

BOB

MRS. TROUT is behind the counter helping Maggie with a selection

(good-natured)

First I have to find some tools. I

still deserve a beautiful dress.

the reporters room. I want to snoop

by leaving them at the altar."... I

Maggie makes her funny face. Peggy doesnt laugh.

(delighted as

You never wrote one about you. Im not

back into writing feature pieces

Ike watches with regret as Maggies child-like enthusiasm

dyed orange and red.

The phone rings. Te Bartender answers it as Ike sits back on

it is facing the city lights. Then she softly says:

incredible.

Lou Trout stands with his glass raised.

BOB (contd)

Whered Maggie go?

INT. CHURCH - DAY

Ive been making friends with your cat.

tongue down my throat. So dont call

FISHER (V.O.)

If you go quietly, Ill get you

(boasting)

Good daughters let their fathers pass

platform against the back fence.

crazy?

Maggie. Maggie.

MAGGIE

Yes. Conviction. Conviction that Im

Maggie and Ike finally break the kiss. Ike takes her hand and

will you spike the bouquet?

Im just finishing up, too.

IKE

street. (lowers her paper and reads.)

CLOSE ON: A tape. It reads: "Maggie I, II, III." Ikes

it onto Maggies shoulders.

one of the cinnamon rolls as Bob pushes the KIDS.

the sheriff.

MAGGIE

(grinning)

Okay, I was also thinking I might write

MAGGIE (contd)

I didnt. And you being the one at the

journalism is literature in a hurry.

See you later, Mr. Travis.

I think youd look good in red.

MAGGIE

IKE

showed up so they couldnt see her.

Hey, Mr. Graham, welcome to our luau.

No.

-- sits on the kitchen counter. She ties them all.

Let me explain something. The fact is,

She plunges forward with a sped-up hesitation step.

WALTER (contd)

Maggie steps behind the front counter of the store and takes the

MAGGIE (contd)

Yeah. Its kind of nice.

MAGGIE

PEGGY

Maggie swipes for the photo, but Ike is faster at pulling it away.

IKE

Im really, really afraid of needles...

He made all-stars in high school, you

there. Shes got to start focusing

Ill come by and tell you all about it.

Maggie walks up to the front desk of the hotel, where Lee is

Youll answer my questions?

coffee table and grabs that, too.

Not there? Okay. Listen Im thinking

MAGGIE

that sells shampoo... Strong shampoo?

Cindy leaves to join the girls in the foyer.

CINDY

(referring to her head九-九-藏-書dress)

MAGGIE

Livid is good. So what is it, Maggie?

EXT. USA TODAY OFFICE - DAY

Thank you. Thank you so much.

I dont know.

thinking about opening a wedding gift

paid to do this, its going to be a

have plenty of time before her next

She turns and walks back to the diner where Mrs. Pressman is

The CAMERA MOVES on the last note on the floor next to her chair.

Maggie is starting to feel uncomfortable. She looks down,

(then)

Ike stares at his hair in total confusion. With icy calm, Ike

MAGGIE

"Be the ball."

column?

I love you. I love you.

(then moving toward Ted)

hundred pounds. I dont think her

EXT. CHURCH - THE DAY OF THE WEDDING

Suddenly, a loud CHUCKLING emanates from the car overhead.

Ike sits in the chair near the sink. Maggie shakes out a smock

Ike goes out on his terrace. He bounces a basketball. It

MAGGIE

No thanks.

in small town USA. Somehow the place ha taken on the spirit of

altar. They call her "The Runaway

BRIAN

Youve come for your dress. Good!

NEW ANGLE:

IKE

You know... Blocked Bart Starr, crewcut

IKE

The Woman leaves the bar.

MAGGIE

Youve seen the post-its. Ive already

FADE TO BLACK.

PEGGY

MRS. PRESSMAN

will be therapy bills for you.

INT. MAGGIES HOUSE - DUSK

the rim of the crater, Diamond Head.

Polly, take Leslie into change.

maybe Vegas will give odds on her. Im

Angels-types, Deadheads and townspeople. The "altar" is a band

I do dont you understand?"... Get

Ellie does yoga stretches. Ike sits back on the couch, puts on

Meredith and the T-shirt Vendor. Plus three other people the

CUT TO:

Maggie is conspicuously silent.

ANGLE ON:

FISHER

The turnout for this mornings wedding

The woman goes into the confessional booth to wait.

Looking for Maggie.

There are shouts of "Hear hear!" Walter roars.

sitting in the drivers seat. He has been enjoying the

Thank you, Grandma.

She walks over to him.

breakfast. Hes watching Maggies wedding tape again. Fisher

Fisher doesnt like the sound of this. He glances at Ellie, who

Be careful of snakes.

BOB (contd)

You just have to get the rest of your

Maggie thinks about this for a moment. She takes a deep breath.

MAGGIE

pull away.

ANGLE ON MAGGIES HOUSE:

the citizens of Hale are out in full

EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY

Sitting in front of Inn Hale Bar, we see the BARTENDER

really fun making this list with you,

to our little Dennis. Dennis will turn

IKE

EXT. CENTRAL PARK RESERVOIR - DUSK

She starts picking lint off his sleeve and buttons his cuff.

and Cory)

Hes laid her flat. Maggie cant speak.

EXT./INT. STREET/BAR - LATER - DUSK

scolds him. Walter whacks his crab with his hammer and Ike

second!... Sneaky!

ELAINE

PEGGY

But I also guarantee that if I dont

force today.

Maggie is keenly aware of Ike listening in.

Then youve got it. If you leave

MAGGIE

IKE

I streak towards the goal line.

GILL (contd)

DOG sitting outside. Inside, we see two figures from the back,

sitting there laughing at me. Pick up.

of reporters head up the churchs stairs, hauling their

Maggie hands Ike another ring. This one is in the shape of a

IKE

But hes got the Bobsters eyes.

Great.

CUT TO:

CUT TO:

headlines in other papers.

mistakes...

Dont knock drunk guys in bars. Drunk

now, do I? But I cant speak for

Help me, baby.

while you contemplate whether or not

front of an oscillating fan. Grandma and Walter come in.

needed by the editor.)

Child, any sin in ones heart is...

GILL

looking cinnamon rolls.

ON TV: IT SAYS, "GEORGE SWILLING WEDDING".

"What is unusual about Miss Carpenter

NEW ANGLE:

Maggie and Ike horseback riding. They sit on their horses

drinks wine, Ike wears a hat.

Dennis closes the door behind him as he goes back into the

Well see.

IKE (contd)

WORKERS read the above article.

wedding.

Ike bet me fifty bucks you dont still

Okay, well... I mean, I can find out...

You just pull a hair from my neck.

Ike goes over and takes the mannequin out of the window. Mrs.

Mrs. Trout turns and grabs Ikes bag containing two coffees.

ANGLE ON: Bob.

Brian smiles mischievously.

Ike laughs. Maggie looks at him with rage. Gill dramatically

Im going to go dance with Bob.

but they didnt see her. And she never

(clears his throat)

never done.

tractor maintenance rather than reading.

reputation and you screwed up my hair.

INT. IKES CAR - DAY

I borrowed it from this guy I know.

Brian leans into her confessional. She steps out to join him.

Ike exits. Then, Bob comes over.

deity..."

NEWSPAPER MONTAGE:

and all the things we do to drive men

(laughing)

drinking.

Look, look, man. I think the man is

Maggie hands Ike a 30-year-old LP: Miles Davis "Kind of Blue."

Ike enters the bar. The Woman drops the shirt she was holding

Well -- Im sorry, Im really sorry,

approaching, looking mighty peeved. He nudges Bob and points to

MAGGIE

CINDY

IKE

MRS. TROUT (contd)

IKE

will no longer flirt with Cory, and I

attempt.

other.

CLOSE ON:

Mrs. Whittenmeyer. May I talk to you

As we come in, the hula dancers finish their applause and Mrs.

impassive as stone.

(heading to the door)

What are you talking about?

I havent had any fun since you got

PEGGY (contd)

... Are you okay?

hound in a bar?

Because I think youre writing on spec

material, try and get a rise out of her

headdress youre wearing.

Youre not trying to soften me up, are

Its a birthday present for my cousin.

IKE

His name is Skipper, Dad... Steady.

That needed to be said. You know --

IKE

IKE

About her upcoming wedding and all.

this is funny?

of us.

IKE

Hold on -- Nobody interviews Maggie in

PEGGY

IKE (contd)

looks and noises of encouragement.

Gill takes off his guitar and sets it down.

during the seventh inning stretch...

fiction about me and call it fact?"

MAGGIE

JULIE MURPHY

me "child", Brian. It annoys me.

No. Its my life.

"Paid vindication" Thats what I call

I love you and I can promise that I

questions and let you follow me around.

IKE

That was very interesting research

there, smiling at Ike. The Pastor gestures to the guests to sit

"Nothing but net."

my life now? -- Ikes going to turn

questions.

FISHER

Kamahamela outfit. Maggie is spectacular in her authentic

Ike GRABS Maggie and BOOM -- they are all over each other,

is there to see it, then any article he

walks her to two horses. Ike and Maggie, on the two horses, ride

your own. What are you doing, Maggie?

... Anyway, I have sort of a technical

IKE

Ever thought of that?

I just could use someone to toss it

Gill, Ill go ya double or nothing if

of work to do today! Ill see you two

Have you listened to his morning show,

her in the fourth quarter.

to herself. If only these boys would give it up.

Not yet. I had a phlemless morning. I

The other one is only three hundred

an old guy, LIONEL, whittling on a porch.

move?

Dennis poses with Maggie. Cory poses with Bob. Mrs. Trout runs

MAGGIE

and on. Peggy loses control and screams.

Thank you.

INT. IKES CAR - LATE DUSK TO NIGHT

Mrs. Pressman continues her story to Ike.

Good.

So if youre not running and Ike Graham

jokes, so we didnt...

BOB

something interesting.

SHOCKED WEDDING GUESTS rise in horror, as she runs from this

really was. And it was only half the

Maggie looks over from her sitting position on the floor. She

fearsome female was known as Erinys,

I am going to propose, you know. I

before her.

Living Dead". And heres the creepiest

Well -- Ive got to get moving -- lot

or ride away from things.

and puts it around Ike.

his cat about marriage and divorce.

Maggie spots Ike as they sit back down. She groans.

Ill have the same.

Ready?

Now she is glowing at him, shining with the full force of her.

Your column should be so funny.

Thats Maggie. Home for lunch.

No, thats called not having a mind of

MAGGIE

Its a thousand dollars.

Duckbill platypus.

in evening and formal wear from Escada for G.Q. Fisher is not

IKE

IKE

(sometimes slowing down).

Ike greets various workers. He steps up to the editors

Remember, we are putting the "fun" back

Yes it is. And it doesnt mean

very flustered.

MAGGIE

Ike finds Maggie in the crowd and leaves Dennis.

Ike smiles at Maggie and exits.

moment.

side and starts to east.

IKE

here to buy one. But not just any one.

You look... uh... You look fine.

IKE

supportive. Something you wont

she certainly is the fastest.

Because I know in my heart -- youre

Oh, but making up the facts as you go

MAGGIE (contd)

Bob!

Bride".

aware of it and that it hurts peoples

out.

As she hits the stage, she looks at Peggy and Gill, then decides

MAGGIE

Wrenches. My dads gonna love that one.

something?

Establishing. High angle wide shot of a bakery in Hale. Ike

leave now?

Too much.

IKE (contd)

(then, to Maggie)

Mrs. Trout steps away to get his order. Ike moves to the other

Pressman: "Holy moly". Call me later.

IKE

Coffee. Now.

MAGGIE

Mrs. Pressman, I think were ready to

(feigning shock)

ANGLE ON: MAGGIE

carefully.

IKE

I dont know, give me a minute.

(all smiles for

IKE

IKE (contd)

Cindy rolls over in her chair, picks up her dog and rolls back

FISHER

Maggie walks in and kisses Grandma on the cheek.

MAGGIE (contd)

Maggie moves up the stairs towards Ikes room.

guy has a worthy accomplishment under his belt.

ANGLE ON:

MAGGIE

MAGGIE

BOB

Whats this?

him. And whatever yo do....

WALTER

removes the towel. His hair is divided into equal parts and

IKE

this way, she scampers out to the sidewalk to pick up her

Ike just came by to check out the team.

display is made up of an assortment of Maggies lamps. Logo

INT. BEAUTY PARLOR - LATER

Perfect. Because Miss Carpenter is

TRAFFIC OFFICER, then a hot dog stand. He greets and passes a

arms around each other. One is definitely Maggie. The other is

As Maggie drives into town with Peggy, they see Ike on porch with

MAGGIE

Hello. Im looking for Maggie

much time passes. Ted plays the organ, then stops. Maggie

And what did you say?

that I might be profoundly and

bed, wearing only a jacket and panties. Heedless of being seen

(defensive)

TED

accessories while I get this ready,

Ill be back in a second.

MAGGIE

Dennis runs on as Maggie continues toward her goal: Bob and Ike,

Thats flattering.

My last confession was... ahh...

IKE (contd)

money to spend on one of your dresses,

Shoot ours so she has one with an

anything.

(putting down the oranges)

gives Ike the once-over, focusing on the shoes.

ELLIE

MAGGIE (contd)

Gill looks up and gives Maggie a fond, hazy smile.

MAGGIE

bear to watch. Im going to make a

Do you think theres only one right

Okay.

tied with budget restraints.

Like certain kinds of coral.

Ike does an on-the-button imitation of Maggie jumping excitedly

Ow!

I know. Tell me something. Do you

IKE

Negative attention is attention.

CINDY

What kind of eggs did she like?

I want a big wedding and a killer dress

We see a WEDDING BOUQUET fly into a ditch as the horse thunders

psychotic state. And if you liked me

Hello, Maggie. I just came by to

blah blah. Hes totally out to get me.

It happens to be how I feel.

MAGGIE

Sure, I would love to give this to you.

out the throw. Bob, acting as umpire, yells, "Safe!" Happy,

these industrial parts and you do

Look, hes in pretty good shape.

(into phone)

(grimacing)

one of these guys has something going

Ike runs after Maggie. He grabs her arm and turns her to him.

MRS. PRESSMAN

Ellie pushes USA Today lawyers letter across the desk for him

ever met who would hold my tarantula.

BOB (contd)

Ill regret it for the rest of my life.

I think Im in Maryberry.

You creeps! I should disinvite you!

POLLY, has taken the flower girl under her wing. They are both

(false modesty)

walks through the CROWD down the steps and outside. Ike

They smile at each other and remain sitting. Then, silence.

Ike raises his eyebrows in question. Bob explains.

lucky I have a suit... Whats wrong?

If she runs, then its a cover story.

MAGGIE

studying the reproductive and migratory

(enjoying the moment)

lit up with "Mary me, Maggie."

(to Maggie)

MAGGIE

IKE

Grandma leaves. Walter steps up.

IKE

He is not!

Ike talked to before, is sitting on a stool, nursing his drink.

inside the truck. The truck races off.

room. Grandma is sewing one of Maggies wedding veils. Walter

and looks up to Ike. It is a moment of clean honesty between the

I love you.

your many admires... I knew I should

seventh fiance. So all bets are on and

EXT. CHURCH - THAT MOMENT

MAGGIE (contd)

Six-fifty.

Kid agrees. Ike puts the hat on and starts to cross the street.

The PHOTOGRAPHERS turn their cameras on Ike, en masse. He is

reading something from Yeats at the moment. They seem happy.

I dont blame you for being mad...

Ike, who takes the bar stool next to him.

of corn into the meadow. They are running for their lives.

to grooms spot)

I dont know. Im working on it. I

Now dont get upset.

it the finishing touches. Then he sees his defaced newspaper

Hes not coming. Watch. Hes not

BOB

words, I think youre out of the

Grahams editor was a woman. Call me a

(stares at him)

Of what?

Maggie leads her to the front window.

Yes. But Ive changed my mind.

MAGGIE

Agreed.

FISHER

as the front!

Maggie moves toward door.

(to Dog)

PEGGY

CLOSE ON: A CASSETTE PLAYER. We see the familiar handwritten

Both Ike and Bartender turn and stare.

someday.

IKE

other persons fault, because I had

sitting there gathering dust.

What?

interest is more than piqued. Ike picks it up. They get up and

Hollywood stars, but Maggie Carpenter

on. She spots on audio cassette on the desk near the door. She

FADE IN

father minded spending so much money on

Shhhh! The man has ink!

CUT TO:

MAN puts is USA Today on the bar and addresses the BARTENDER.

a shoe-string. She rushes into: KITCHEN WHERE BOB KELLY,

What kind of Dead Head gets a temporary

Jerry Kramer.

(turning back around)

Five hundred.

her from every direction. The tiny figure of Ike stands like a

CUT TO:

Ike walks out of his apartment building talking on cell phone.

pained. Gill shows it to Ike. Ike looks at the tattoo. He

fisted drinker," "Peggy, best friend, but Peggy doesnt totally

MAGGIE

Really.

wave. Ike rubs his headache.

going to have to carry in the Himalayas.

MAGGIE

like the white dinner jacket.

INT. MAGGIES ROOM - DAY

Rude...

the window a moment. She picks up a toy horse.

My dad managed a business and two

How romantic.

Mrs. Trout is on stage, introducing hula contestants. Grandma

with you as to why youre such a pain in

Ike is highly amused.

(then, imitates

closes the church door.

play! Plato never got a book advance...

... didnt order enough sausage.

MAGGIE

This is very interesting. You get your

going to wait to hear what the pros say.

as a little slice of Hawaii. There are tiki lights, numerous

Maggie stares at them both.

kissing frantically, tongues, hands, hair, elbow, you name it.

Dad and Grandma Julia are there. Grandma is making lunch.

INT. MAGGIES WORKROOM/GYM - ANOTHER DAY

IKE (contd)

Spit.

man-eater is called Ragma..."

He moves as he takes it all in: a FAMILY eats a fast food picnic

little boy up the aisle.

MAGGIE

best.

She wants that one.

ask you to be mine, Ill regret it for

IKE

Gill is still trying to grasp the meaning of this.

PEGGY

town. Ike pulls up and goes inside.

Tell me if its too heavy.

doing business and crowded with WOMEN.

freshly mown meadow of soybeans, and magically sways a copse of

PEGGY

The joy seems to have drained out of her.

article. There are fifteen."

IKE (contd)

MAGGIE

matter. Ike Grahams column will no

Listen, Gill -- Theres this reporter

Im sorry, too.

yourselves the bulls eye of an easy

Ive got news for you. No amount of

This party is for you and Bob. Get

Maggie dances affectionately with Bob as Mr. Trout, tending

the head and run away screaming.

INT. USA TODAY OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

See, I cheer good. What is he, a cheer

No. You take it.

MAGGIE (contd)

DISSOLVE TO:

Honey, your grandmother and I were

carryout. He opens the door and walks into his apartment. He

IKE

Supportive? You werent being

on sunny Main Street, USA. KIDS ride by on bikes, streaming

CUT TO:

Oh my God. No.

MAGGIE

The Bartender gives him cocktail napkins and a pen. Ike starts

Ike has checked into the Atlantic Hotel. The clerk, LEE, hands

No. But I think attraction is too

(to the mother)

So?

What do you expect me to say to this?

IKE

(interrupting)

They made me put my hat back on.

GEORGE

Of course.

motions with his hand for her to stay seated. He goes inside and

the rest of my life. Because I know in

DISSOLVE TO:

Excuse me?

(into phone)

Everest. Is that right?

patterns of locusts when Maggie met me.

Here, you need this more than me.

Flags hang on all the storefronts and the place sparkles with

about it.

God intended?

Not now.

IKE

MAGGIE

Ike comes down hallway as Harvey puts his shoes out to be shined.

Bobs smile dies. Cindys mouth drops open as the kiss goes on

FISHER

Im sorry, I dont know any people like

over your eyes just so you can discover

(indicates COOK with head)

Ikes neighbor, Harvey, sits reading near his window.

at a much more relaxed, hipper, backyard wedding. It says,

Bob hauls back and punches Ike in the face. Ike drops.

so bad.

FISHER

MAGGIE

MAGGIE

Maggie.

Nervous? Not at all! No. Ive never

GEORGE

Its something Ive always wanted to do.

EXT. NEW YORK STREET - DAY

Well go with total traditional.

notices, but acts casual.

good offense, right? Youre not going

WALTER

one or both oof us will want to get out.

running of the bulls at Pamplona. And

Mrs. Trout beams. Maggie understands his answer a little better.

up with their conversation. Maggie is still al steamed up.

IKE

Ill get it from the back.

then dives into the crowd. They watch her and body surf her

MAGGIE

Ike retreats into the church. Lee comes up to him again with his

Lee, hey, wake up. Give me the key to

(undeterred)

Mrs. Trout)

romantic!

But Im weird.

Every one of those times I was being

Te CAMERA FINDS Ike, striding across a busy street, dodging

stained Grateful Dead tie-dyed T-shirt. He grins triumphantly,

WALTER

theyre listening to you.

(exasperated)

about that slime-ball reporter being in

I kissed him back.

Im inside the church. Everyone I know

PEGGY

is dangling from the cassette.

So, what are you doing here?

moment jokingly)

Trout imitates Ike bamming the bride and groom, laughing.

MAGGIE

tape.

(lightly)

his tape recorder

She steps outside, leaving Ike with the record.

Humiliating you is what everyone else

moral support.

Ike.

Ah, cant stay away from her, can you?

I love his eyes. I just believe

your game.

Maggie... You only wear them for about

Maggie throws bouquet. We see it float in the air.

POLLY

go back up. He turns to her.

See, shes not a man-hater at all.

CUT TO:

He puts his finger in the correct hole. She turns it on. The

It wasnt that funny.

CUT TO:

abruptly holds out a rose boutonniere.

WOMAN

the loose, who has time to check facts?"

I just say that for the agency guys. I

PEGGY

its fifteen minutes in the penalty box.

your check clears.

FISHER

EXT. AN IMPOSSIBLE EXPANSE OF MARYLAND FARMLAND - DAY

all kinds of ridiculous questions.

Shes a cacophony of contradictions.

Maggie!

IKE

IKE

Ike calls out to Mrs. Whittenmeyer.

(to Maggie)

On the counter, they see a copy of USA Today opened to the

eye on the ball.

Ike is turning sensitive and I cant

INT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCKS - CONTINUOUS

IKE

(flustered)

T-SHIRT VENDOR

Peggy pours her coffee out of its Styrofoam cup into a ceramic mug.

the ass.

BARTENDER

hardware store across the street...

making notes. Ike looks up from his writing. The Man gets up

MAGGIE

profile of the women of Hale.

to go. Im closing up. Heres a candy

Come on and give us a toast.

left with. I should weigh three

"MAG" logo.

IKE

Weird. Like after all those years you

MAGGIE

PEGGY

MAGGIE (contd)

boyfriend Shivas entrails while her

his drink)

dog in Peggys car and walk to the church.

MAGGIE (contd)

how I dump men for kicks to bother with

IKE

approaches the altar on horseback, in a simple white dress,

you what to do. And someone will tell

EXT. NEW YORK STREET - DUSK

BOB

Fisher gives a little "darn, so close" look.

(laughing)

to go. Peggy walks to the beauty parlor, unlocks the front door

Youre jail bait, Dennis. Go away.

Traitor!

Gill is waiting on the platform with a rock combo playing

Okay, thats fine. I can do that.

Not that he doesnt deserve to get

Just stop it. Dont say another word

EARL

IKE

All right?

This guy never stops.

EXT. HALE RESIDENTIAL STREET - ANOTHER MORNING

PETE

then, quickly climbs out onto the lawn as the truck starts to

that tattoo stuff into a big deal --

end of the aisle didnt just fix that.

What do you mean? It was incredibly

(studying a lamp)

WALTER

IKE

Bob! I almost forgot! I have to meet

Turkey and cheese.

No, you tell her.

Docs Pharmacy. Third and Elm. Tell

(moves to window)

like that.

Eke walks by the T-shirt Vendor, goes into a subway station.

IKE (contd)

Bob hands the flower to Ike. Ike is shaking. Bob catches this

As Bob has been talking, Ike has been watching Maggies face.

her pretty face. Her casual-looking husband, Fisher, sits

INT. BEAUTY PARLOR - DAY

resumes with her walk toward him. His face. Her face. His

beautiful dress and anything else she

MAGGIE

of peppy cheerleaders.

(stopping)

Maggie scowls at Ike. He nods, all charm.

LIONEL

What!?

Gill grabs his guitar and sits.

MAGGIE

You want me to make a toast? Okay...

EXT. MAGGIES HOUSE - DUSK

IKE

The door opens and Dennis sticks his head in.

garage. The faded sign reads: "Gills Garage".

MEREDITH

MAGGIE

Guess youd know about that. Youre an

(then to Ike)

Youre not even Catholic, Maggie -- you

"Still, we cannibalistic queens can get

Lesson number two. Never work for your

Yeah. Lee at the hotel videos wedding.

I dont have much choice in the matter

... Or not!

and moves a lever on the shop wall. With a HUM, the car descends.

PEGGY

PEGGY

IKE

MAGGIE

No, no. I saw eight geese flying in a

INT. DINER - DAY

love you, they hate you, theyre hot,

MAGGIE

rented plastic palm trees and fiberglass copies of Hawaiian

BOB

VOICE

Ike puts down the letter and puts his glasses back into his

So whats in store for us in tomorrows

Justice, yes. Paid, I dont know.

Ike gets up and stands near Ellie, making his point.

pointing a cheap video camera himself.

You look awful.

We see others get the news.

Is it okay that Im here?

May the grooms heart be filled with

shows it to everyone. Ike does a slow burn.

INT. ATLANTIC HOTEL - MOMENTS LATER

MRS. WHITTENMEYER

INT. MAGGIES WORKROOM - LATER

Holy moly.

and Grandma. A cozy and eclectic place creatively furnished on

you could write about.

IKE

Im not sure. Mr. Schullian runs the

(shouts over the music)

What can I get you?

him Pete sent you. Want my hat?

You always looked great in that suit...

secretary, ELAINE. She doesnt smile.

MAGGIE

Ill get the dress.

Peggy turns off the fan. Cindy takes the bag from Maggie.

child, not for lacking of trying.

helps run the family hardware store."